This is topic Trinity 200,000 words 650 pages erotic SF in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :
 
This story is set in 2045. It is "hard" science fiction (scientifically speculative but within the bounds of reality) but concentrates on social interaction. About a quarter of the novel is devotes to descriptions that are at times graphically erotic.

The first 13 lines:

We would never have a baby.

Over the last few months, we had both tried to come to terms with this truth. I think I have been able, in these last difficult four years, to accept this little cruelty of nature. It is not that I do not have high expectations, but I don’t let hopes rule my thoughts. I have had my share of disappointments, and I have responded in different ways. Sometimes I fight to find something that will work long after I should have thrown in the towel. Sometimes I accept the setbacks of life. For the most part, I was happy with the way things were now. Sarah and I loved each other. We were very different people, but in ten years of ...

 

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
 
I like it. I might combine some of the sentences though, the "I" 's kinda jumped out at me.
for example:
I have had my share of disappointments, and I have responded in different ways

(I haven't figured out how to use the quotes)

Say maybe: I have had my share of dissappointments and have responded in different ways.

and then:

I think I have been able, in these last difficult four years, to accept this little cruelty of nature.
maybe
These last four years have been difficult and I think I've accepted this little cruelty of nature.

And then
For the most part, I was happy with the way things were now. Sarah and I loved each other. We were very different people, but in ten years of ...

Sarah and I loved each other, but we are very different people. I was happy. But in ten years of

Of course I don't know how that sentence ends. So that may or may not fit.

 

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :
 
Hi SusannaJ4,

Thank you so much for your comments! I re-read the intro, and I see exactly what you mean about the *I* pronouns jumping out at you. I haven't figured out how I am going to fix this, but I am going to do some kind of re-work based on what you gave me. Thank you for the very useful input!!

Please let me know if I can reciprocate.

Pax,

PMoore
trine2045@yahoo.com
 

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :
 
I really liked your story so far and i thought that it really was a hook. It sounds liek it will become very good.
 
Posted by rslevrant (Member # 3204) on :
 
At first, it sounded too familiar - like it was out of a daytime talk show, and why should I bother caring about this one, but ten minutes after moving on, I realized that I did care. In other words, even though I thought I could walk away from this story, I was hooked and came right back to it. Great start!
 
Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :
 
Hi plumeh and rslevrant and Susannaj4,

Thank you so much for the comments. I have finished a complete re-write of Chapter 1. The first 13 lines are below. I would be grateful if you could tell me whether this is an improvement. I would be happy to forward more of the story if you are interested in critiquing all of Ch. 1 (2.5 pages), and I would be interested in reading your material to critique, also.

Trinity, Ch. 1, first 13 lines:


We would never have a baby.

I think I have been able, in these last difficult four years, to accept this little cruelty of nature. It is not that I do not have high expectations, but I don’t let hopes rule my thoughts. For the most part, I was happy with the way things were now. If we could not have a child, I would accept that. We had so much already.

“Why us, Adam?” Sarah whispered in the darkness.

She must have thought I was sleeping. I could hear the sniffing and then the sudden whooshing of a tissue as she pulled it from the box.


Thanks again. Look forward to your comments!

PMoore

trine2045@yahoo.com
 

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :
 
PMoore, I like the rewrite much better. It just seems to flow better. One comment, in your sentence ending "the way things were now" the were/now seems like contradictory tenses. Could you just end the sentence with "were"?

Is this set in the future and if so, do they still have tissue boxes in this future? I very much get a sense of "present day" in reading this passage.
 

Posted by Kaite Karue (Member # 3262) on :
 
that is a very very interesting start. However, i would suggest having the main characters name in it. If you dont give us the name in the introduction, than we dont care about the character as much as this Sarah. i think it is important to know the Narrators name so as we can maybe learn i little about their personality. keep it up, it is genious in the making
 
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
 
Very good, gut-wrenching start.
 
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
 

This is a highly charged subject - people unable to have a child have done everything imaginable in order to have one - from adoption to buying a baby, stealing a baby, even murder. I think there is a great deal of potential in this scene, but it must be "amped up" - just TELLING us how he thinks and feels about the situation does not get there.

We need a situation, a scene, in which the frustrations. longing and hurt is demonstrated through the reactions of the characters. Suppose one approaches the other and wants to make love, but the other resists because of the pain, frustration involved. Think of the conflict that could arise in such a situation, one wants to make love, the other sees it as a horrible reminder it will NOT end in a very much wanted baby.

Just my opinion. I think any scene which SHOWS the emotions is going to be much more powerful than just telling us.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 22, 2006).]
 

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
 
I agree that the rewrite is much improved over the first post.

A couple things that might make it read even smoother:

Flip the second sentence around -
In these last difficult four years, I think I have been able to accept this little cruelty of nature.

And make the third sentence structure more parallel -
It is not that I don't have high expectations, but I don't let hopes rule my thoughts.


Overall a nice beginning.
 



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