If you'd rather just comment on the new first 13, please feel free to do so, though I've already had independent (non-Hatrack) input on that and am fairly set on keeping it as is.
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The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. They were encroaching on his master’s land. His former master’s land, he reminded himself grimly. Jurgen still could not bring himself to think of the new lord of Overheld Manor as his liege. His ‘new’ master was a much different man than Egarin Ucedren. He was cruel, and amazingly childish at times, but smart in his own way. Almost like the cunning of a weasel, that.
The new master’s name was Koban Feltekio--Lord Koban Feltekio, as he insisted upon being called at least forty times a day. He was the son of the local mage...a man called Dunman to his face, ‘Dung-man’ to his very distant back.
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Thanks again, in advance, for any and all comments and/or offers to read.
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
However, I'm still kind of interested. I'll read, if you want.
quote:
The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him.
I think that the section in bold would work better as a separate sentance. It just seems wordy and unnecessary, and makes the sentance seem awkward and long. Like, maybe have it as something like this:
quote:
The old man swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. He was called Jurgen by the few to whom he actually spoke.
[This message has been edited by Valtam2 (edited February 01, 2006).]
The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him.
Maybe:
Jurgen had lived on this land so long he had seen it change hands many times. He preferred his former master and could not bring himself to think of Lord Koban Feltekio as his liege. This man was much younger than he ...
Now, can a Lord be the son of a Mage? I thought and maybe I'm mistaken, but a mage is a magician. Was this man's mother a Lady? I might need an explanation of heirarchy.
Yes, it's a problem getting that background information in. Two fixes:
"First paragraph is free": tell us the background *before* the tree-creatures.
In the moment: when it becomes relevant what Jurgen thinks of the boss, tell us. It may be relevant right then, but we don't know why yet. Something like
The tree-creatures were coming. Was he going to stay and defend the new lord's territory -- that weasel who'd beaten Jurgen's favorite nephew, and called Jurgen's cat a bastard? Jurgen ran.
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Jurgen swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. They were encroaching on his land...his old master’s land, which now belonged to another. The forest had been cleared to make way for farmland long before any ironwoods had migrated to the region. He had been there, felling trees alongside Egarin Ucedren, himself. Now that Egarin was dead...well, Jurgen didn’t enjoy contemplating the current state of affairs.
The tree-creatures had no legitimate claim to plant their young here, and they knew it. What Jurgen couldn’t figure out was how the trespassers had matured so quickly. He studied the eldest ‘sapling’ for a moment, amazed at its height and girth.
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Better? Now I just have to figure out how to seamlessly integrate it with the rest of the story.
[Edited: removed erroneous line]
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited February 01, 2006).]
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
IMO, this piece needs some re-work.
Problems:
This phrase,
*called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke*, is awkward. How about something like "The old man was called Jurgen, at least by those who knew him."
*surprisingly tall tree-creatures*
When I imagine tree creatures, they are already tall. I am not able to imagine *surprisingly tall* variants, unless I have some context for this.
*His former master’s land*
*new lord of Overheld Manor*
*Egarin Ucedren*
These all introduced in the same sentence makes the sentence too busy, and hard to follow.
*cruel
*amazingly childish*
*smart*
These do not go well together. IMO, you got it right in the next line when you wrote "cunning of a weasel," and I like the fact that you didn't use the well-worn and fraying "cunning of a fox." Advice: drop the word smart all together, or replace it with a more appropriate word.
*as he insisted upon being called at least forty times a day*
The specification of 40 does not play right, IMO. Ten, a dozen, a hundred, or better yet, "Yesterday he corrected me nine times; I bristled each time he insisted on the recitation of his full title."
I like the intention, but I think the narrative misses the mark somehow. It sounds like the beginnings of an interesting story with plenty of conflict.
All the best,
PMoore