Hatrack River Writers Workshop: suspense novel

This is topic suspense novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Suspense novel.

They were near the Mexican border. Frank
stood next to the jeep while scanning the California desert through the nightscope of his .304 Savage. A figure appeared, walking through an open flat.
"We're in business," he said. "Time to feed the vultures." He laid the crosshairs against the head of the figure. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood," he sang.
Mark laughed, chugged his brew and belched. "A beautiful day Frank? Not for someone it ain't" More laughter. "A beautiful day my ass. Frank, you're a card, a real card."
Frank tugged at the trigger. "A beautiful day in the eighborhood." The trigger ease back. "Would you be, could you be..." The weapon flashed and roared.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 05, 2006).]

Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 06, 2006).]

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

I'm not a gun expert and had a bit of trouble with the terminology, but I liked it. It grabs me. Like crosshairs, what's that or those?

nevermind, I asked my husband, so would the proper terminology be that he focused the cross hairs?

[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 05, 2006).]

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

It is probably OK, but the general concept of people plinking 'border varmints' doesn't necessarily interest me.

Two other items though: "tugged at the trigger" doesn't seem right. From my experience, including military, squeeze would be better (explanation... if you're tugging on the trigger, you're tuggin on the rifle enough to miss... squeeze implies allowing it to happen, rather than forcing it to happen... you should be surprised when the gun actually fires).

Next is "The trigger ease back" Other than a tense typo (eased?), I thought you meant that he let the pressure off the trigger, having second thoughts. By what you've written, it seems that 'eased back' meant that he completed the shot. I think just leaving that out would work better.

EDIT: Fixed a typo.

[This message has been edited by pjp (edited February 05, 2006).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Thanks Susannaj4, glad you liked it. Crosshairs are not focused, except in a camera. In a scope they look like this + so you just superimpose it against the target.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Whose POV is this in? I can't tell.

I also probably wouldn't like a story about people murdering at the border, but maybe others would.