Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Second Chance

This is topic Second Chance in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001750

Posted by jtcarroll (Member # 2036) on :

This is a fragment from a 4000-word science fiction short story. It was inspired by John Varley's "The Phantom of Kansas" and explores grief, identity, and reality in a world where a person can be restored after death.

The fragment is first-person, present-tense and is part of the frame for the remainder of the story. I've decided on this because the story ends with an epiphany. At the end, I want the reader to know the narrator has not had time to contemplate the ramifications of this information yet.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

------------

It’s 2:30 a.m. and Liz has been gone for nearly four hours. I pick up the phone. The quivering sound of the dial tone halts me. I’ve already left three voice mail messages. The third message was an apology for the second. I drop the phone and sit back down again to wait.

The house is silent except for the repetitive sound of rain drops ticking against the large, bay window that frames the view of our front driveway. Outside the night brightens as headlights reach across the neighboring houses. The car continues past without slowing. I settle back into my chair and replay my argument with Liz. I remember and revise what I said and guess how she might have responded, producing conversations that never happened. The rain grows heavier until I can’t see past the wet

Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 08, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 08, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I found 1P present distracting, but since you're decided, I won't comment further on that.

The voice seemed rather uninterested in the events it was describing. It's the middle of the night, Liz (wife, I assume) is 3 hours late and who knows where, and . . . is MC freaked, thinking she's lying in a ditch? Is he hurt, because she's out with another guy? I don't know.

I found some things confusing, easily fixed I think. Liz has been gone 4 hours, so I assume she lives with MC. But then who's he calling?

Did she leave him?

What's a reinstall?

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I think I understand everything except the last line. Go through what again? Which this are we referring to?

You've painted a picture here of what I'm like when I'm waiting for someone. You could however get deeper into his POV and tell us not just what he does and what he thinks but how he feels.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I like the description. I got a sense that, while the MC is definitely involved and engaged, the narrative voice is somewhat detached. This is fine--it makes me think that the MC is high or a little neurotic or naturally sanguine. It's a nice piece of tone setting, if that's what you meant to do.

Mark Twain always said that the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. I think you have a few lightning bugs in here. I'll list them (in my humble opinion, of course):

quivering (1st line)
sound (4th line)
ticking (id)
continues (5th line)
revise (6th line)
producing (7th line)

I like the piece, and would like to read more, but I think it would benefit from some Hemingwayesque tightening--less words are better, etc.

Here were some phrases I noticed that could be replaced with single words:

-"quivering sound" (1st line, could be replaced with any single descriptive noun)
-"sit back down again" (2nd line, could be replaced with a single verb)
-"repetitive sound of raindrops ticking" (4th line, could be replaced with a single descriptive gerund)
-"continues . . . without slowing" (5-6th lines, could be replaced with a single verb)

[This message has been edited by J (edited February 08, 2006).]

Posted by jtcarroll (Member # 2036) on :

-----------
...it makes me think that the MC is high or a little neurotic or naturally sanguine. It's a nice piece of tone setting, if that's what you meant to do.
-----------

Good. I wanted to convey a mood of repressed emotion and detachment.

------------
I like the piece, and would like to read more, but I think it would benefit from some Hemingwayesque tightening--less words are better, etc.
------------

Thanks for the comments. One of the problems with first-person, present is that short sentences, with unmodified subjects and predicates, come off sounding noir-ish, so it took a few revisions to get to this version. Your suggestion were objective and helpful. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 08, 2006).]

Posted by Aldous Huxley (Member # 3232) on :

I like it. Cell Phone comes to mind to the question of: Calling who?. It seems to me that this is a piece of internal dialogue where the character is replaying an argument with his/her significant other. The character seems resolved to whatever happens and willing to compromise his/her position out of frustration and a desire not to dissolve the relationship.

Posted by Aldous Huxley (Member # 3232) on :

I would like to know more. Is Liz an Alcoholic? Drug Addict? Does Liz wear the pants? Is Liz a wife? Girlfriend? Friend? Les Lover? The voice sounds male.

Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :

I like the way you make him seem really engaged and worried about whatever situation it is. The whole headlights was a nice touch to that.

I agree wbriggs...the first person is rather distracting. But its not a big deal.

I think that its interesting that you're writing in present tense. I think that'd be hard to do. I'd like to see how you handle it.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I liked it. I would have continued reading.