Well, I took everyone's comments into consideration and have completely rewritten the beginning.
I made two major changes.
First, I changed it to 3rd person because I thought it'd be easier for the story. Second, I started earlier in the story instead of doing flashbacks. It seemed easier to get to know the character this way.
So here it is.
“I can finally get out of this stupid world!” he thought, his hand shaking as he scratched his name above another line. He stared down it. Peter Locke, it read. He had written it almost a hundred times in this enormous stack of papers. And each time he signed, the name faded. Peter Locke was soon to be no more. No, from now on he would be named as he was meant to be: Sieflick—his infamous online name, with which he had dominated the cyberworld all his life.
It was the only thing he had ever dominated. As an orphan born, he had never had anything in this world to call his own. Like a leaf twirling off the tree who no longer desired its pitiful life, he had been carelessly tossed around his entire life, floating from one foster home to the next. There was only one
A little bit of that was changed to meet the 13 lines limit. If you want, I've written the whole first scene, if anyone's interested in reading it.
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 08, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 09, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 10, 2006).]
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
Out of curiousity, are these place-holder names, or final character names? "Peter Locke" references Ender's Game/the Shadow series and "Sieflick" reminds me of Cypher, from the Matrix. Was this intentional? It's distracting.
As for the writing itself, I thought it was pretty good. I'd like more context (where is Peter? what is his signing those documents actually accomplishing?), but that can be after the first 13. Not long after, though.
Posted by Constipatron (Member # 3183) on :
I like it, although I was wondering why he's signing all those "documents" to begin with, though I can read about that later. It seems to infer, to me, that he's not even IN our world at all? That's my assumption right away. I'd be willing to read more if you have it. I like the beginning, it caught my attention well enough.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
LOL. No. I actually chose the name Locke with John Locke in mind. But now that I think about it, that's probrably where OSC got his name from. It doesn't matter anyways, after the first page and a half I'll be using Sieflick. And Sieflick was completely original--I came up with it randomly and then liked it because it says "Psi Flick"...I thought it was pretty cool. Lol
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
I loved it! The whole cyber-name thing just entrances me. I'll read the whole first scene, if you'll send it.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Better. Less confusing. I think you have a nice start.
Couple quibbles:
As far as the "fading name" goes, you might want to phrase it as "he imagined the name faded" or something similar. As is, it sounds like the words are actually fading on the page, and it's a bit early to start blurring the lines. Letting us know it's Peter's imagination doing the fading ties it more strongly with the idea that his name is the only thing he owns and can control (nice touch, there, by the way). That way, you can show him exerting what little control he has (great theme you've got there - the powerless becoming consumed by what little power they have - I hope you develop it further).
"AS an orphan born" is awkward. In fact, it is logically impossible. You probably want something like "Having been an orphan for nearly all his life..." or some reference to never knowing his parents.
The last sentence is a litle ambiguous. Try changing the last word from "life" to "purpose."
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
Some of the confusion there is a result of me shortening it fit into the 13 lines. The actual things says "As an orphan born to an unknown street urchin" and the last line elaborates more on what I mean.
Sockeh, I'll email it to you when I get to my computer.
Posted by rustafarianblackpolarbear (Member # 2638) on :
Besides my comments in the other thread, I had a critique written as a reply email to yours but I'm not sure if I sent it. Sorry I hvan't got the childrens stroy done yet, I've been so busy, but I'll send it to you as soon as it's done. My deadline is tomorrow.
So yeah, did I end up sending that email? Sorry if I didn't.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
no, you didn't send it. But I'll send you what I've written in my story this week.
Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :
To my taste, much improved. I guess I didn't read the name, "Sieflick," correctly, however -- I read it as either "See Flick" or "Seef Lick." (Why anyone would want to lick a seef is beyond me.)
Nothing more to say beyond what others have already said. I'm coming into these postings a bit behind the curve...