quote:
“Crew, we're short on cash for parking, so we're going either utopian or dystopian this time. No tourist planets! The daytime bridge crew will have a short list of candidates posted in an hour or so. Send your votes in no later than tomorrow. Captain Bristow out!”Bristow leaned back and surveyed the daytime bridge crew. There was Barker, sitting up straight and rapping his knuckles on his knees, grinning like a psychopathic killer who had just been handed a spanking new chainsaw. Shorey was already digging into the ship's database, pulling up info pages on various planets. Goldberg wore the same expression of utter bewilderment and anxiety that had taken his face hostage ever since he came on board. Montclef was, as ever, scowling.
“Let's go dystopian!” erupted Barker. “Bring on the ladies!”
Don't worry. Despite having this Barker character in it, it's actually quite tame.
You have me curious. I took it that Barker was unstable, if not actually nuts. But then you tell us "it's actually quite tame." If he is not unstable, I would describe him in a different way.
This nit: "...erupted Barker." Maybe he screamed, yelled, or said
works better.
But yeah, he's nearly nuts. I'm glad I got that across, then. Heh. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited February 11, 2006).]
I think you can give it more solidity in these ways:
* Give us a clear POV character up front.
* Introduce us to fewer characters in the first 13. They all blurred together for me. We can get the others later.
Thanks!
My biggest beef with Adams is his near lack of character development. My second biggest is his apparent lack of story direction, though he manages to tie the major points up in the end. This story mostly doesn't take itself seriously - but I don't want to give much away, so I'll just state that I've tried my best to avoid those two problems. Comedy without serious undertones can be funny, but it's not very satisfying.
Now...if that's not what you intended, it's a bad sign. Otherwise, I found it completely fresh and entertaining.