Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Trinity Prologue

This is topic Trinity Prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

These are the first 13 lines of a 1900-word prologue to the erotic science fiction novel, "Trinity." I invite any and all comments!

Prologue to Trinity:

Only a glass door separated her from the target. A single sheet of glass and a security lock between her and the baby she had been sent to steal.
"Rachel," the ear implant called out, commanding her attention. The voice was animated but firm. "We have a TTG on our tail, four minutes out. You need to complete extraction now. Move in. Please acknowledge."
"Acknowledged," Rachel whispered. It was enough; Commander Russell would have heard her. The tall, dark-haired woman paused a moment longer, regretting what she had to do next. The parents would never again see their child, their newborn baby girl. This was the part that Rachel hated the most.

For those who are interested, I would be happy to forward the entire prologue for a more in-depth critique. Thanks for reading!

All the best,

PMoore

Posted by Lizzy1973 (Member # 3243) on :

Dear PM

The first line is genuinely punchy, making you want to read more. I think the second line isn’t necessary as you are reiterating what you have already said – maybe make mention of the security lock in the first sentence?

“Only a glass door and security lock separated her from the target.”

Also, if she has an ear implant, her team would not call to her, they would be speaking quietly in her ear. If someone shouted at me in my ear whilst I am trying to hide I would no doubt jerk with fright and fall out of my tree or wall I am balancing on, drawing attention to myself and/or hurting myself.

Also, if she is an extraction agent, she will be fully kitted out in brown or black clothing, no doubt wearing something over her head to minimise a) being recognised and b) leaving behind any trace that could have her identified.

The shocker is when you realise that she is stealing a child – let me warn you, loads of people will be having a problem with this. You will have to have a VERY good reason for this to be happening.

But, all in all, I think I would want to read more and if you are happy to forward the rest of it on, please do so!

Cheers,

Liz

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Very good hook. I'd keep reading to find out why she's doing it. The fact that she hates it is also good: I may be able to like her.

I have a few nits:

Only a glass door separated her from the target.

I don't want to have to keep reading to find out what her target is. How about:

Only a glass door and a security lock stood between Rachel and the baby she had been sent to steal.

(Also: no reason not to tell us her name up front.)

One more nit:

The tall, dark-haired woman...

Rachel wouldn't be thinking about how she looks, so this breaks POV. I'd just ditch it.

Good stuff.

Oops -- I just noticed that this is a *prologue* to an erotic story. If it's erotica, wouldn't it be better to let the prologue presage the rest of the novel -- that is, be erotic?

Then again, I'd rather read a gut-wrenching story about kidnapping than erotica. But you're aiming for a different audience.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 17, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think that it's got good points. I would mention her name to establish POV rather than saying "her" (unreferenced pronoun).

About character description, it would be acceptable to describe any mission oriented clothing or preparation. For instance, if she were dressed in surgical knits or a nurse uniform (by way of disguise), with her hair put up to match, then you could mention it. Some critters might like a specific reason...I would put a camera behind that security door to justify her consideration of the disguise (and because it just makes sense).

I have no objection to a non-erotic opening to an erotic work. I doubt that you could sustain erotic tension throughout without simply becoming pornographic or lapsing into hilarity. But you do need to consider whether this is erotic SF or SF with erotic content, as there is a difference.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to read more at this time.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I think this is a great beginning. It sets up a sense of the main character right away. We understand that, even though she is commiting a despicable act, she hates it.
However, I wanted a bit more time to linger over the horrible thing she has to do. Is it completely necessary for her to recieve the message from Commander Russel so soon? It would add dramatic tension if Rachel had to agonize over what she was about to do for a little longer. It's true, you told us that she hates this part the most, but I want to see it more. I want to see her hesitate and loathe her work, maybe even herself.
But it really is an interesting start, and it gets the readers attention very effectively.
-Wren

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

I really like the beginning and I would read on BUT I'm such a prude that if it is an erotic book, I simply wouldn't buy it or read it. Good luck on it, though. It's a good hook.