Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Working Title: Daughter of the Red Branch (second version)

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Posted by Lizzy1973 (Member # 3243) on :

Chaps

Further to your other comments, I have redone the opening scene, not starting it with the main character waking up, or with the main character at all but with her art which is the first indication that something "off" is happening. I have decided in taking a completely different tack, let me know what you think!

*****

An angel and demon were having a (showdown --> original word used) confrontation in an alleyway.

Claire Matthews sat back from the sketch with a feeling of unease. This was not the subject matter she had asked the art class to sketch and leave behind for grading. It was a good sketch, artfully rendered with strong modern gothic imagery, but disturbing enough for the hairs on the back of neck to stand upright.

On the sketch the dome of St Paul was just visible above the other darkened buildings. Down below, the street scene depicted a murder of mangy crows greedily tearing into an overstuffed garbage bag whilst a family of rats skulked in the darkening shadows behind them; an audience waiting for a show. Above their heads gargoyles leered from a nearby building towards the two figures facing one another in the alleyway.

*****

So? Worse than before?

[This message has been edited by Lizzy1973 (edited February 17, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

If Claire Matthews isn't the main character of the story, then the answer is no.

Also, you need to check your language usage a little better. I don't care if she is an Art teacher, Claire isn't going to think "An angel and demon was having a showdown in an alleyway." It isn't the only error, but it's a dozy.

As for overall composition of the scene, you could give more time to her awareness of the artist or to her class as a whole. If you did get around to detailing the sketch, you'd want to describe the focal imagery completely before going into background details (St. Paul's, the crows, rats, gargoyles, etc.).

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I meant yes, dang it!

Posted by Dennis Rodman (Member # 3252) on :

Other than the 'was' to be changed to 'were' I think it's a great work in progress

There is SUCH a difference between constructive criticism and making patronising a-hole comments dontcha think?

Oh, sorry, before I am patronised for my AWFUL grammar, I think I meant 'do you not' instead of 'dontcha'

I personally think your target audience will be intrigued to read on Lizzy, good luck!

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

I like it. The first line is a grabber, then you immediately give the imagery of the drawing. It looks good to me.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I had to reread it to get that there weren't really an angel and a demon in an alleyway.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Ahg, these grammatical errors appear to be infectious

Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

Same here, Briggs. It was brain-wrenching to realize that it was just a drawing.

Also, the first sentence sounds like a joke opening, minus the bar.

"An angel and a demon walked into a bar..."

EDIT: Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Just distracting if it's not going to be a humorous story.

[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited February 19, 2006).]

Posted by Lizzy1973 (Member # 3243) on :

I give up!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Newb's aren't allowed to give up. You must surrender first.