This is topic SF - "Like Something From A Twilight Zone..." (REVISED) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
I fixed this up a bit, clarified a few things, and also fixed some diction I caught in rereading it. I think I need to rework one sentence, but let me know what you think now.
“Captain Benteen!” A voice shot across the broad, dusty parade ground. The gangly captain sprinted across the warm asphalt, and skidded to a halt just within the shadow of a large steel and concrete bunker. The shadow of Mr. Brigham, the Mission Assignor for the base gestured his way. Captain Benteen briskly stepped under the shadow of the building, and edged closer to the wall.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Clearer now. Thank you for using names.
Now, there isn't anything really hooking me into a story here. Not so far. I think you do get a little more text for your 13 lines.
You need to either wax eloquent or raise some real question or emotion in my reader's mind.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Just upon a quick read, you've got an awful lot of shadows -- 3 in 4 sentences posted. Also be careful of overusing advervbs (adj too). Do you need to say the Capt. "briskly" stepped ?
You've got more room available to post more lines -- maybe your hook is coming soon?
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
The second sentence doesn't feel right. As written, it sounds like the Captain sprinted across the asphalt after Brigham called to him, then stopped. I'm not exactly sure that's what you're trying to say.
The scene needs a little more clarity. It's hard to tell if Benteen and Brigham are skulking around or if Brigham merely interrupted Benteen's workout session. The references to a voice "shooting" across a wide, open area (which implies loudness) contradicts the surreptitiousness implied by shadows and edging closer to the wall.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Still needs a POV.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
For what you have, I'm interested. But the remainder of your 13 lines need something more compelling.