She took him for a gravedigger until she saw he had no hands. He stood away from the funeral party in the shade of a tree alongside the backhoe, an old man of tatters and long, dirty hair. Two other men were nearby: Younger men in clay-smeared coveralls who had made her father’s grave before the mourners arrived. Dull men doing dull work, whose daily diet of other peoples’ grief left them as cold and thick as the clay they turned. They shifted from foot to foot, impatient for friends and family to be gone.
It reminded Alice of her own feet, pinched into the unfamiliar discomfort of dress black heels and she shifted herself, from left foot to right. They ached. Her whole body ached. And her eyes were gritty with dried tears and lack of sleep.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Is there some reason I did not know Alice's name in the first sentence? I had nothing to connect the "she" to.
That's my nit-pick. If you noticed my comments on the other story you posted (I won't repeat the hatrack general tips here) then I probably don't need to repeat them here. You have, once again, painted a picture without really starting any action or starting an actual story. I once again feel like the opening credits are rolling on a movie or the curtain has just come up on a play but the actors have not moved yet.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Hmmm. OK. Rolling credits seems to be consistant. Something to look at. You're right. I do tend to open with visuals.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
The incomplete sentences worked for me on the Mother fragment, but they aren't working for me here.
As a reminder, let us know when you post a fragment, what the genre is and the word count, and what you want from us? Critique on the first 13 only? Further readers for a completed manuscript? What?
You spent most of your first 13 describing the grave-diggers, but I don't care about them. They aren't what the story is about, are they? I wanted to know more about the man with no hands. THAT is your hook.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
I agree with what others have said, and especilly with what Elan said. I could not stop thinking about the man with no hands. Were they deformed? Were they cut off? We don't know, but whatever your intention was with this opening, this man IS the focal point of interest.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I don't think Alice would be thinking so much about the gravediggers, but more about the deceased. But I don't know. Who died? How attached was Alice to him or her? Let us know more, if only so we can dismiss it as unimportant and get back to the handless man.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Wow! What an opening line. I would definitely keep reading. Again, if you want readers once the story is finished, let me know.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
All the info I was remiss on above:
This is a mainstream piece. Probably a long short story, though it's behaving as though it wants to be a novel. Looking for a reaction to the opening. Thanks for all your comments so far. The man with no hands is important and, of course, figures heavily in the story. The gravediggers serve a purpose too. They let you know you're at Alice's father's funeral without my saying "Alice was at her father's funeral,". They also drive dialogue later on that reveals more about the man, Alice and her father.
Good that the opening line hooked so many - left you curious and wanting more. Good too, in its way, that you wondered why I was talking about the gravediggers. They're not there by chance.
Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :
This opening jumped too quickly from one thing to the next for me. The first two sentences are about the man with no hands, the next three are about the gravediggers, then the last paragraph is about how Alice is feeling. As soon as I started to get interested in something, the story jumps to something else. I think it would be stronger if I was curious about one thing, rather than several. The images here are good, they're just moving by too fast for me.
Also, the fact that Alice is at her father's funeral is mentioned completely in passing - I don't think you should come out and say 'Alice was at her father's funeral' but unless she and her father had a distant relationship (which doesn't appear to be the case based on the last paragraph) this seemed much too detached.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, it's okay with me. But saying that she took anyone for a gravedigger tells us that she's expecting gravediggers to be present and that she catagorized anyone not wearing formal attire in that group. So you don't need to actually describe the other gravediggers, you don't even need to have them present at all, the backhoe serves their role better anyway. A brutally powerful piece of construction equipment, sitting idly by to remind everyone that ultimately, they're there to dump a corpse into a hole in the ground and cover it with dirt.
So it would be better to focus on the old guy with no hands. It would also be better to avoid starting with two unreferenced pronouns, but otherwise the opening line is very good. You need to follow through on it, though.