Hi. Looking for readers to critique a mainstream short story.
*****
David watched with his head bowed as a pearl of blood gathered at the end of his nose. Finally, it dropped away to pat in a tiny cloud of dust on the gravel road between his sneakers.
"Stupid," he muttered through swollen lips.
He sat, head in hands, at the edge of a road that ran past a field of soybeans. The sun had gone down twenty minutes earlier, but it was still light. Twilight stretched on and on in the Midwestern August.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Forgot to mention the length - 1700 words. A short short story.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I don't know what's going on. Why is he bleeding? Why is he stupid? Tell us.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I love the imagery here, but I'm with wbriggs. You need to tell us what's going on real soon, preferably now.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
As soon as he says 'stupid', we have to know why.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Apologies, I may have been unclear. I'm looking for readers of the entire story as opposed to a critique of the first few lines of the story. I'm aware that I give you something I don't immediately resolve. That's deliberate. I want to see if it works as part of the unfolding of the story. For that, you need to see the opening in the context of the whole. Let me know if you'd like to give me a critique on the whole thing.
Thanks
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I like it so far. I'll email you with my contact information so you can send it to me. Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
It's expected that in this forum you'll get a critique of your first 13 lines. Getting a full critique only happens upon request (which you've done), and is a "bonus" of sorts. If you feel the comments about the first 13 don't apply, then simply disregard them.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'd guess that he just got the snot (and a bit of blood) beat out of him. Of course, if that's not correct, I'd feel betrayed, but I don't think you do an inadequete job of setting the scene. Letting him stew in the aftermath of a fight for a bit isn't withholding information as such. It's just opening a scene. Same with the generic "a" tags for the setting, as long as the particular road and field aren't important.
My only comment is that refering to "a pearl of blood" gathering at the end of his nose suggests a minor POV violation, since it's a very visual image and yet it is highly implausible that he could see it. If you say "a swelling pearl of blood tickled" the end of his nose, then calling it a pearl is acceptably a metaphor rather than an image.
I also didn't like "Midwestern August", but can't say anything definite other than that I wouldn't have said it that way, so that doesn't count as a comment
I would ask to read the rest, but I really don't have the time right now. But I will eventually.
Posted by Leaf II (Member # 2924) on :
Come on.. obviously you're going to be confused in the first 13 lines. I've never read the first paragraph of a book and said, ...wtf... who the hell is this guy, where is he walking to, where does this take place. Its sorta a given that you don't know now, but you're going to find out soon enough. If not.. THEN it is a problem. But I always see that on here, and it bothers the Sh** out of me. Yeah i know publishers may look at the first 13 lines to determine whether to read on, but it seems to me that they aren't asking those particular questions. They are judging the writing, the first 13 lines, and whether or not it is crap. Surely after that, after more of the story has been read they can be critical of the overall judgement of what they read. It seems so obvious, and yet time and time again I see people on this board that cirticize that.
It makes me reluctant to post my work on herel a longer length work, because I don't want any scatterbrains telling me they can't figure out what the character's motives are and the theme of the story in the first few words or something equally annoying. Yeah that's an exaggeration... yeah I know you guys don't give a damn whether or not you get to see a story from me... but thats not the issue
Quit saying the same stupid thing after someone posts their story. Say those things after you've read a little more. (unless specifically requested, which I've not seen done, generally) -leaf
-edit: yeah I don't know what's going on here in the first 13 of this story, but that's the point. Now I WANT to know why he's bleeding, and why he is in such a place as he is. If i read on and never found out, yeah, then I'd be pissed. But give it a rest.
..author.. I liked your begining, I thought it was fine.
[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited March 02, 2006).]
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I don't want to understand everything that happens in the beginning, but it's a fine line between getting my attention, and confusing me. Here I'm not confused, but there had better be a good reason why he's bleeding, and fast.
I guess what I'm saying is this is what Christine calls "a fish-hook", in that I'm mildly interested, but I don't *absolutely have* to read the rest of the story (I'll point out, though, that a great many stories I read in the mags have fish-hooks for me).
I'll read.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Every time I check in to F&F, it seems like it's a debate about how much information needs to be in the opening, and a condemnation of our expectation that authors write a good beginning, and how unfair it is to only read 13 lines before deciding if you want to read the rest.
If an author can't write two paragraphs that interest me, why on earth should I believe he or she can write thousands of words that interest me?
There are a lot of things that go into generating "interest" and if someone says that not all information is available in the beginning, it doesn't mean that the Law of Beginnings is that every single beginning needs to have every single piece of information possible - it means that in THIS beginning information that would allow the reader to sink into the scene and be absorbed into it is missing.
There are one thousand ways to address that, but the most common is to simply not raise the questions that you aren't answering. If bleeding raises questions you can't answer satisfactorily right now - don't show us that he's bleeding. If you can't tell us yet why he's stupid, don't tell us that he's stupid.
If you can't tell us what's going on, there's a good chance you haven't started in just the right place. What can you tell us that's interesting? Start there.
Does anyone write any more? Or is this all just bickering about the role of the first 13 and leaf refusing to listen to us scatterbrains and our stupid comments?
[This message has been edited by Beth (edited March 03, 2006).]
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Makes me wonder why Leaf is here at all with us poor scatter-brains. Obviously Leaf knows everything already, well except that it is rude to criticise other people when they are taking the time to crit people's work.
Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :
I'll critique. Send to jas23per@hotmail.com and just make sure it's in a rich text file since I don't have microsoft word.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
Though I liked what I read I have no time to spare at present, sorry. Everyone has opinions, thats what this Forum is about, long may it go on that way. If anyone is not given the opportunity to give an opinion this Forum would begin a long slide downways. Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
I thought the beginning was fine, but short. This was not even 13 lines was it? Personaly I'm not looking to know everyting right away, however I would rather read a story that shows me why he said "stupid" than tells me he said it. And as beth pointed out, pick the right beginning. Why start at the end of the fight when you could start with the fight itself? Show me why his nose is bleeding, what was the cause.
On a last note, I know I'm new but maybe we should stick to crits and feedbacks of the first 13 lines that we are given, and save debates on what makes a good 13 line opening to the discussions section. Just my opinion.
As a writer I am looking for feedback on what I wrote, not an argument about whether or not I should have written it.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Noted and seconded, with the extension that this isn't the place for any debates. A forum like this can't work if people don't leave their egos at the door.
Clearly state your own impressions and what you liked or didn't like. If you must directly contradict others (and I often do), please don't cast aspersions on their motives, intelligence, charm, wit, or whatever. Just say you disagree and move on. If you need to explain something, explain it rather than arguing it.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
It interested me enough. And I see where Leaf is coming from. But lets not all jump to extremes and start rashly yelling at each other over how to critique a story. If its a bad critique, ignore it.
I'll read the story. ethersong@gmail.com
Posted by Temuchin (Member # 3278) on :
I rather liked the descriptive phrases - "pearl of blood", "Midwestern August", etc. They aren't over the top, but they provide a clear, enjoyable view of what you're trying to show us.
Also, as a personal choice, I rather *like* the fact that you started after the fight, but it depends on what mood you're trying to set. This way leans towards a more subdued, reflective story. If you were to start off with a fight, I would expect action throughout the novel.
1700 words would be short enough that I could take a look at it for you. Send it to jmbostwick@charter.net, and please put Hatrack in the subject so I don't delete it as spam
