The Cursed Valley: Okay. It's worth one more try at the opening, so here it is.
Lord Tain stamped his hooves in frustration. The old wizard named Vendevor cowered under the glare of the centaur. Tain wanted to show mercy, but the wizard's crime precluded that. Vendevor had poisoned the lake, killing three of the resident merfolk. It was murder, plain and simple, and the Lord of the Valley had to deal with the crime.
"What should I do with you, Wizard? What is the human punishment for murder?" Tain asked.
"Why, Lord Tain, have your harpy make me forget and send me from the valley. I regret that the merpeople died. I assure you, it was an inadvertent mistake," the old wizard whined as he groveled before Tain's hooves.
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited February 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited February 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited February 25, 2006).]
Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :
I know it's fantasy fiction but still, some believability would've helped. Read Sarem's Tyranny to get what I mean.
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited February 24, 2006).]
Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :
I'm sorry, but I really don't understand how Sarem's Tyranny is believable while this isn't. Good, bad, whatever, but believability? My centaur friends will be incensed at the thought.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
I didn't read the first version, so I don't know what people were saying. To me this sounds very info-dumpy. I don't think we need to know all that information right up front. Tell us only what is vitally necessary to understand the moment, and proceed from there.
Posted by Isaiah13 (Member # 2283) on :
The first three lines set the scene nicely, IMO, but I agree that it gets a little info-dumpy beyond that. I'd like to see the focus remain on Tain and his confrontation.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What autumnmuse said, plus:
* Keep us in the moment if at all possible. We get a sentence or two of this, and then exposition.
* The identities aren't clear. There's Lord Tain; then there's a wizard and a centaur. Is that 3 characters, or 2? It needs to be clear.
Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :
From what I read, his story just wasn't as fantasy based as yours. If this is the beginning, it might be a little too overbearing for the casual reader.
It's like when I see too many CGI's in a movie, it kind of forces me to distance myself from the plot and not care for the characters as much. In a way, it's a little distracting.
It's hard to explain but I hope you get what I mean.
Also, instead of summarizing everything at the start - maybe show the events unfold? I don't know, this last part is just a suggestion because I'd be interested in seeing how you handle this.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Marva, don't give up. Please. The sign of a good writer is not that they get it right on the first try. It's that they keep trying. You can do this. Read more fantasy to get an idea of how it is done, and keep practicing. Don't throw in the towel just yet. Tomorrow is another day.
Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :
Autumnmuse: Thanks for the encouragement, so I'll give this one more try. I see what people were saying about the info-dump, so I just dumped the info-dump.
WBriggs: Tain is the centaur.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I didn't read any of the prior openings, so I have no idea if this is better or worse.
In any case, this intrigues me. A couple nits: why does Tain want to show mercy? Is there some relationship between him and the wizard, or is the punishment just repulsive to Tain?
I'm also not sure why you say "human punishment." Are there different punishments depending on the species? Because I'd think the punishment would be universal for murder.
I'd want to know exactly what the wizard did that killed them soon.
Otherwise, I think this has good potential.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If possible, you should start with the beginning of the scene. I know, not everyone adheres to that logic, but it can solve a lot of problems. This is a courtroom drama of sorts. You can start it when the last critical actor enters the scene (probably the wizard). That might give you more room for establishing your milieu and immediate setting so as to make it feel more plausible.