Death was the first thing I saw when I entered the bar. He was at the slot machines by the restroom door plugging quarters into the slot and muttering to himself through his fleshless jaws. He dressed identical to the stereotypical image propagated by pop culture: the tattered, black cowl, dusty with age and decay. His sickle leaned blade-upwards against the wall between the restroom door and the console that its master was so attuned to.
I wasn’t a barfly; I’d gone into that particular bar to ask for a phone to call my insurance company. It was 9:30 pm on an August night in the Nevada desert, and the dusky dining room shone with only the dull glow emitting from hanging light fixtures over each booth.
I liked the first paragraph, although I felt you could do without telling me what he looked like. Death is already such a familiar stereotype that describing him seems excessive.
You lost me in the second paragraph. Death is gambling, and your narrator is interested in the time of night and insurance. I'd rather know what Death is doing in the bar.
One nit - when is this set? the MC claims to have only gone into the bar looking for a phone. If this is set "today", that makes him comparatively unusual, in not having a cellphone... (the invention of the mobile phone has made a huge difference to so many "standard" plots - used to be that the hero would rush to warn someone in person that the killer was on the ay, now... hey, just make a cellphone call!).
As far as the lines, I thought the first paragraph was good, although the "stereotypical image propagated by pop culture" stuck out.
I'm curious to see where the story is going.
I'm fine with the insurance and time reference (though "9:30" makes it seem like a log book, as opposed to, say, half past nine), as it tells us why the person was there. However, we should soon find out more. My problem in this last part comes with the description of the dining room. Death is playing slots, and we're seeing a dusky dining room? Even if Death's presence is that common, we don't know that yet, so this description should probably be before we see Death. Moving the insurance/time reference along with it might help with others' concerns about the Death/insurance issue.
I'd be interested in reading more.
2) change it up and show that closer inspection reveals that the "black robe" is in fact a very very dirty hawiian shirt and pair of board shorts... or something along those lines.
just my 2 cents