In the time it takes me to write this entire account, you might be able to type a single letter. Unless you're an extremely fast typist, however, you couldn't. Part of the reason for that is that I am writing this by means of a direct mind-machine interface with my computer. As for the rest… well, that’s what this story is about.
My name is Nathan Hamlich. I am (or was) a computer programmer working for Digital Sentience Corporation, which as you can guess produces artificial intelligences (AIs). These are sold and used for many applications, but advertising for my company is not within the scope of my account, nor are the services my company provides relevant to this story. All except for one.
The second paragraph is better, because it introduces the character and feels like a letter or journal entry, so I don't mind the slight info dump, but overall, I don't care. In these first thirteen lines, I just don't know what the heck is going on.
Agree with Ray. This reads like an outline, even research, for a story. Set it in motion, we need story. You have some information but there is no sense of direction because we are not presented with a problem, someone or something to care about, or even an impending crisis of some sort. Although the last sentence does arouse curiosity and interest, it would be more powerful if there was some interaction between people - in other words, show us and don't tell us. Also, you have 9 lines here. Writing something deftly in 13 lines is difficult enough, why make it even more difficult by shorting yourself by 4 lines?
In particular, you don't need (IMJ) to tell us what the story *isn't* about.
I am mildly hooked. I want to know why he's no longer at Digital Sentience.
In the time it takes me to write this entire account, you might be able to type a single letter. I am writing by means of a direct mind-machine interface.
My name is Nathan Hamlich. I am (or was) a computer programmer working for Digital Sentience Corporation.
Maybe you should play with dropping this whole "biographical styled' thing and just start into the story (since I've read most of it, I think this might work). While the third Alvin Maker's book can get away with starting "Let me start my history..." you probrably can't. lol.
But see what others think...
You've also got the tense wrong. "you might" should go with "you won't". More importantly, your narrator seems to be directly contradicting himself. Try rewording it..."If you're an extremely fast typist, that is."
And you're also calling this a mind-machine interface, which is a little vague in this context, since you may be suggesting that his mind itself is augmented somehow. Which raises the question of what you meam by "my computer."
In other words, while your opening paragraph is of an appropriate type for introducing a first person narration, it's a bit clumsy and poorly expressed. Nobody seems to like it, but I doubt that's because you're making a fundamental error. It just doesn't scan well.
I would read more based on this.
Now that I think about it a bit, send it over. I'll give it a read because the concept is rather intriguing.
[This message has been edited by krazykiter (edited March 07, 2006).]
The claim of writing the entire account versus typing a single letter: My problem is that in order to do either, the person still has to _think_ about what they are going to do, and that takes time. Even if they don't edit on the fly, editing is still necessary. I've spent more time thinking about what I've written here than it would've taken me to transcribe it off a sheet. This includes my acceptance of the 'direct mind-machine interface.'
My next issue would be with the opening paragraph in general. I would rather have that information introduced along the way. Clearly, though, that is an example of "You can't please everyone all the time."
krazykiter, I'll send the story to you as soon as I get back to my dorm after spring break, so that I can access the updated version.