The more I revise this, the worse it seems to get, the less natural the wording.
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Dad's legacy influenced the lives of every human who ever was, is, or will be. Yet, in his lifetime, Dad's work on temporal mechanics passed unnoticed. When fame arrived, nobody remembered the illustrious Jacob Farmer as a tyrannical wife-beater. Few wondered why his wife killed herself or how his only child ended up an alcoholic failure. We weren't even mentioned.
I would've never excepted for Time to select me of all people. Prior to my calling, I was huddled in my spot, a scrap of cardboard beside a dumpster. The cardboard had made a nice box once. It didn’t take long for it to fall apart, just another thing I’d ruined. One paycheck, they say, well, if I’d had a paycheck back then, I would’ve have spent it all on booze.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited March 09, 2006).]
Other issue: paragraph 1 is about Dad's awful behavior; paragraph 2 is about MC's awful life. I know they're connected, but maybe it would be better to go to . . . no, I'll say this instead: when is the first scene set. Childhood? Then skip the cardboard box (for now). Adulthood? Then start with the cardboard box. Or maybe it's elsewhere.
You will remember and include the best parts, and you will tell it in your own words which have been informed by all of your rewrites, but it will be better than the first time you wrote it because of what you've learned since then, and it will be fresher than the version you have edited to death.
Don't try to rewrite it from memory, just try to write it all over again without looking at it. Write it anew, the way it should be written.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 13, 2006).]
I would've never excepted for Time
read:
I would've never accepted for Time?
I liked this start, and wasn't troubled by the scene switch, but try removing "We weren't even mentioned." from the end of parag 1. It seems out of place and unnecessary.
Phil
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quote:
ChrisOwens, anytime something gets edited to death, the best thing to do is turn it over (if it's on a piece of paper), or open a new document (if it's on your computer screen), and write the thing from scratch.
You will remember and include the best parts, and you will tell it in your own words which have been informed by all of your rewrites, but it will be better than the first time you wrote it because of what you've learned since then, and it will be fresher than the version you have edited to death.Don't try to rewrite it from memory, just try to write it all over again without looking at it. Write it anew, the way it should be written.
Excellent advice! I once lost over 50 pages of a manuscript when the disk I had it saved on went crackers. After throwing a self pity party, I sat down to re-write what had been lost. The re-write was far better than the original.
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited March 14, 2006).]
The story really starts in the third sentence, "When fame arrived..." That the fame was related to work in temporal mechanics might be revealed in the last part of the paragraph.
I find the phrase "Prior to my calling..." to be confusing, as it seems to refer to the narrator being contacted by Time (are you referring to the magazine?), but how did they call? Especially if he was homeless.
I like the descriptions in the last few sentences, but you might need a sentence break between "they say" and "well."
I'm looking forward to see the revisions, and the rest of the story.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited April 27, 2006).]
I redid this in 3rd person, it's going through Critters now. So far most the crits have been positive, even a suprisingly positive one from a 2nd place winner in one of the WOTF quarters. After a few adjustments and a throurough scouring of typo and punctiontion errors, I plan to send it out.