This is a short story and am looking for someone to give it a read. 2,432 words
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Pierre sat on the veranda and looked up into the cloudless night sky. Out in the distance, shadows fell upon the ground from the large weeping willows that lined the garden. The moon shone down on the mausoleum in the center of the garden and clearly illuminated the statue of a beautiful maiden surrounded by rose bushes. Every night for the past month he had come to sit in this spot, leaned up against the stone pillar and stare into the garden for any sign of movement—any sign that she had returned.
He fiddled mindlessly with the laces on his boots and stared blankly into the distance. He had performed the awakening ritual just as the old man who lived in the
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Send it over Susanna. Edit: Actually send it to andrewm@rtbg.tas.gov.au
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 14, 2006).]
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
If you aren't in a hurry for the critique, I'll read. You can send it to me at buce@charter.net
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'll read.
Posted by giggles (Member # 3279) on :
I'll read more. Give you some constructive feedback. Email me gigglewrks@aol.com.
Chrissie
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
I'll read it. I'll probably do a same ro next day delivery in regards to the critique.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Is this posted over at LH? I can't get to it until the beginning of next week, hope that's okay, but I'll read.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Go ahead and identify her (presumably the occupant of the mausoleum?) by name or her relationship to Pierre (or both). Other than that minor clarity point, this is a really good opening. I'll check back later.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'd read on. I'm running behind on crits, though, so I'll have to pass.
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
A veranda, by the definition in the dictionary, is simply a porch, or balcony. Not designated as the front or the back.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Um, that's nice. Why do you mention it?
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I'll read it too if you still need more eyes on it. You can email me at kings_falcon@yahoo.com. I will get you feedback by Monday.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I'm with Survivor. Is there a reason you don't disclose her name and relationship with Pierre? You can send it my way if you need another reader. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by FastCat (Member # 3281) on :
I liked it, I don't see why the identity of the girl has to be revealed in the first 13. There's nothing confusing about, I want to read more to find out who she is.
Sounds like you have a lot of reviewers but if you would like another email it to rohanjt@yahoo.com.
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
I felt like the girl was a mystery to the man so I liked that more wasn't reaveled. If she turns out to be his wife of twenty years, then I might be disappointed, but from what I see, I like the vagueness about the girl.