Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Arden. First 13 lines

This is topic Arden. First 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

This is a novel I've been working on for the last five years or so. It's a little over 70,000 words and not quite finished. Any volunteers to read and critique the whole thing would be appreciated.

Tran watched the mist swirl from the wet tree bark as Myla swam tiredly through the cloud-shrouded sky. Tran had been walking for miles and was exhausted. He squinted his eyes, peering as far forward as he could into the fog, then wearily shifted Arden’s weight across his shoulders. He slogged on through the thick leaves and bracken underfoot. A tree loomed up directly in front of Tran. He corrected his course a bit to go around it and then stopped. The S-curve of the trunk andthe unusual knob on one side struck a chord of recognition. Tran gratefully slid Arden from his shoulders to the ground between the old tree’s roots. He stepped to the back of the tree and began to thrust his hands into the forest of nettles and twigs that had sprung up behind the tree.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 15, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Intriguing beginning, but I thought it a bit heavy in the descriptions. Sometimes less is more in the opening paragraphs.

Within the first few lines I was puzzled as to why Tran would be watching fog coming from some tree bark, wouldn't he be watching his step and if the cloud was so thick, and why is he carrying Arden? Also too, you refer to Myla "swimming," through some fog. Do you mean Myla is flying?

All in all it reads like an interesting start to a well thought out world though, it just needs some tweaks to get the balance right between description and action.

A good start to what promises to be an interesting tale.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This seems like it might be fantasy or SF. That places you under a special obligation to be clear about certain things, like what exactly Tran, Myla, and Arden are. I'm guessing humanoid, local moon, and friend/relative of aforementioned humanoid. But even if I guessed right, that doesn't mean that everyone else will.

You should immediately establish that Tran is walking, which helps avoid the impression that he is an arboreal creature resting in the tree with the wet bark. You should also find a way to specify that Myla is a moon (or the local star, if that's the case). And you should mention Arden's relationship to Tran, and possibly why Tran is carrying him[?].

I would regard the above suggestions as a bare minimum of POV information that is simply necessary. My preference would be for a good deal more. For instance, when you mention the "S-curve of the trunk...struck a chord of recognition" I would prefer that you immediately say what Tran recognized it as rather than withholding that POV information for later, but that's just a personal feeling.

Other than the lack of needed POV information (and consequent lack of desired POV information), your writing seems strong.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I agree with Survivor - though at first I thought Myla was some kind of companion to Tran, but then when there was no further mention, assumed that it was, uh, well, something else.

Clarify, and it'll flow better.

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Thanks for the advice mommiller (and everyone. When I posted this she was the only person that had critqued it). Is this better?

Tran squinted his eyes, peering as far forward as he could into the fog which rose from the forest floor. Then he wearily shifted Arden’s wounded body across his shoulders and took a few steps forward. A tree loomed up in front of Tran. He corrected his course a bit to go around it and then stopped. He thought he recognized the S-curve of the trunk and the unusual knob on one side.

Tran slid Arden from his shoulders to the ground between the old tree’s roots. He stepped to the back of the tree and began to thrust his hands into the forest of nettles there.

After a moment of searching, Tran gave a wrench and a solid panel came away in his hands. He stuck his head in the opening and surveyed the little wooden hut hidden in the thicket of nettles.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 15, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Yes, establishing the POV has eliminated the confusion I felt was present in the first posting.

And welcome, I am a new member too and I think yours is only the third critique I have written.

I agree, that your writing and world building is strong.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm distanced from MC. I'm not really in his POV, because I don't know things he *must* know. Who's Arden? Why is she wounded? What is he looking for? Tell us.

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

Just a friendly newby note: If you don't end up getting anyone to volunteer to read the whole thing, I would suggest joining a writing group or switching your request to a single chapter instead of the whole story. For a good editor 70,000 words is a *lot* of work. (A good editor will take hours on just a few pages.) If you join a group then you will be giving as well as receiving.

As I said, you might change your request to having the first chapter read too. I'm really busy at the moment so I couldn't do any editing this week, but if nobody responds to your request between now and a week from now, email me at jas23per@hotmail.com and we'll talk about some possibilities for me reviewing the first few thousand words or so.

[This message has been edited by Aalanya (edited March 15, 2006).]

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Aalanya, thanks for the advice and for the offer. How would I go about joining a writing group? Is that something this website offers or do I need to go elsewhere for it? I'm pretty clueless as far as all of this goes. I've been writing pretty much my whole life, but I've just barely started to get serious about it.

wbriggs, if you look at this again, I have a question for you or anyone else who wants to answer. Is all of the information you're asking about supposed to be included in the first 13 lines? It just sounds like a lot of info to pack into the first paragraph or so, a little overwhelming for the reader. Most of the questions you pose are answered on the first page of the story, but should I find a way to compact all of that info into the first 13 lines?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Hi, Arden. There's a forum on here called Hatrack Groups that's for the purpose of forming groups for critiquing novels.

Regarding your question to me: no, I don't think you ought to have to shoehorn in every available bit of info into the first 13! What I *do* think is that as soon as I have opportunity to wonder about something MC knows, I want you to tell me. I hate feeling confused about what s/he knows.

Let me make commentary (including wild speculations) on your text to show what I mean. I'm not trying to write your story, just to show how quickly I want info when I'm a reader.
---

Tran, lordling of Poobah Manor, had been in the Wild Wood many times before; but never before fleeing for his life. [I now know who he is, why he's here, and whether he's familiar with his surroundings. I also know why I'd want to read: Tran's in danger.] Tran squinted his eyes, peering as far forward as he could into the fog which rose from the forest floor. Then he wearily shifted the wounded body of Arden, his half-elf wife who'd taken an arrow in Poobah Manor's defense, and took a few steps forward. [I don't have to wonder who Arden is or why he's carrying her; I know.] He was close to where he'd hidden the magic toy hut the wizard Fooey had made to jump and land on Poobah's enemies. [I know exactly what he's looking for now.] He thought he recognized ...

So I still don't know a lot; but everything you brought up, I understand. That's what I want as a reader.
---

See also:
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Your second version is a lot clearer, and I don't think it's as necessary to hurry in a novel intro as it is in a short story one, so don't worry too much about telling us everything from the word go.

One note I forgot to mention first time - Arden is a name that will make a lot of people think of a forest, not a person.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

And, uh, don't think that wbriggs is making fun of you or anything. He's just indicating that he really has no idea whatsoever of what you're not revealing

You did something interesting with your revision. Instead of putting in additional information to clarify things, you actually ended up removing a good bit. Yes, the bits of information you removed were sources of specific confusion, but the end result is still that we have less information than before.

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Okay guys, here's another rewrite.

Survivor, I didn't think wbriggs was making fun of me, but thanks for the clarification. I was just honestly requesting more information. I thought maybe having all of that information in the first 13 lines was a cardinal rule of writing someone had forgotten to tell me. I really do appreciate all the critique and advice.

Everyone, please let me know what you think of the rewrite and if it now provides enough info to get you interested.

Tran had to find the hut. He knew it was hidden somewhere close. It was the only place that would afford he, a traitor to the vicious Ruka race, safety. It would also provide Arden, the leader of the Morg resistance and a thorn in the Ruka's hide for years, a place to heal after her many brutal weeks in the Ruka death camp.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 17, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 18, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Better and better.

I think you are heading in the right direction with this opening now.

Good job.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Good information, but you broke the POV. This is a point that gets made in different words all the time, but the interesting thing in a story is the characters, not the plot devices.

Solid, engaging POV helps the reader feel connected to a character right from the outset. Vacuous, shallow POV leaves us asking what the hell is going on. On the other hand, over expositive writing that violates POV in the interest of force feeding us information makes us wonder why the hell we should care.

You need to submerge us in Tran's mind (if he's going to be the POV character, anyway). Make us understand him from the inside. That's the function of good POV. Yes, you need enough information so that we understand his perspective, but any information that clearly divorces us from his way of thinking about things is counterproductive.

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Okay, Survivor, I get what you're saying because I thought the exact same thing when I wrote the last rewrite, I just couldn't figure out another way to get all of that info in as succintly as I needed to. I took your advice and came up with this. Please let me know what you think.

Tran had to find the hut. It was he and Arden’s only chance to escape the Ruka soldiers, which Tran knew were close, just a day or two behind. They would not let Tran’s act of treachery go unpunished.

He heard Arden groan and gritted his teeth. He was sure she would die from what the Ruka had done to her those weeks in the death camp. He cursed the Ruka, cursed the bad luck that had brought Arden into his life, cursed the decision he had made to help her escape. How could he have been foolish enough to believe that he could snatch the leader of the Morg resistance from under the Ruka’s very noses and live?

Foolish or not, however, Tran had no choice but to continue. He squinted his eyes, peering as far forward as he could into the fog which rose from the forest floor.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

I liked the description, but I thought there was a little too much of it. I think I would read more, it sounded pretty interesting.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Very much better...but (oh, come on, you knew there would be a "but") this time you started too far inside Tran's head, so we had no idea of his physical surroundings.

It's okay, your physical setting is very basic, just a mist shrouded forest. "Tran stumbled over the uneven forest floor, a wearying task between the ground-hugging fog and Arden's dead weight." Then you can talk about how he needs to find the hut and all. Of course, my opening line makes certain implications that you might find unsuitable to the story you're telling. For one thing, I imply that Arden is both totally unconscious and fairly heavy...she might be feverish or much too light to be a physical burden. I also imply that Tran is physically tired and moving fairly slowly, but you seem to suggest that in your previous versions.

Physical surroundings aren't always very important, but you usually need to mention them just so that the reader can see the context in which the character's mental activity is taking place. If they're not important, just mention that the POV doesn't care. But you still should mention them. After all, knowing what kind of surroundings would be considered uninteresting by that character is a juicy tidbit of character info.

There are exceptions, of course. Socrates would go off into a total fugue sometimes, thinking about things. In the midst of battle, once or twice. Then he'd suddenly wake up and it was as though the gods had suddenly dumped him into his body mid-thought. You could write from a POV like that if your opening thoughts were...Socratic enough