Brady peered out of the tinted window of his trailer park home. He sensed something was there, amidst the rows of wheat. He just could not see it. His hand quivered as he reached for the door knob. It was cold. Brady shuffled off the step, and down into the grass.
(It goes on... What did you think?)
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
(Oops I kinda screwed up there...) Oh well, tell me what you think anyways.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Is "The Novel" your title? If it is, I can only assume this is a short story
Overall, you've got a strong opening here. However, there are some minor kludges. While "trailer park home" is a handy way to tell us both the nature of the house and the surroundings, it's a bit lazy.
Compare "Brady peered out the tinted window overlooking the wheat field that bordered the/his trailer park." Same general information, but without the chunk of intrusive shorthand implied by "trailer park home".
Then you have a couple of narrative jumps, skipping over actions that must have occured, but which you don't mention. I don't know for the sure that the tinted window overlooking the field wasn't in the door, but that doesn't seem probable. However, you never actually mention him touching his door knob and you certainly don't mention anyone opening the door (and if the door were already open I have a hard time understanding why he was looking through its window).
I should mention the reference confusion on "It was cold." Because of the narrative jump, I don't know whether "it" refers to the door knob (I'd call it a handle) or the air outside (or even the air inside). That's probably an effect of the narrative jump, if you hadn't skipped the action of turning the handle and opening the door there would be no confusion.
And just to be nitpicky, I didn't like "He just could not see it." It sounds stilted. Avoiding contractions might be right for some circumstances (okay, if I were to list all the places where you should avoid a contraction, this post would rapidly get out of hand), but you don't need any special reason to use a standard contraction in narrative fiction. They help draw the readers into the natural flow of their native language. You avoid them in cases where you want to break up that flow, force the reader to stop and think about what it means that you did not use the contraction. Like in that last sentance
That might seem like an awful lot of criticism, but you should see what I say about some openings. For all the things I pointed out, you have your story, setting, and character moving well in rather less than 13 lines here. So I think it's pretty good overall.
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
Brady peered out of the tinted window of his trailer park, which was surrounded by fields. Fields as far as the eye could see. He sensed something was there, amidst the rows of wheat. He just could not see it. His hand quivered as he reached for the door knob. The rush of hot air from the opened door made him jump. Brady shuffled off the step, and down into the grass.
(Here is my partially new-and improved beginning of story from which you have given me ideas. Thanks.) By the way, I'm not sure if it's going to be called "The Novel" yet, I haven't decided on a title.
Posted by Avacado (Member # 3300) on :
That second one was better. I would like to see how the rest goes on. It is slightly pulling me in...
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Yes, I'd keep reading. I do have the problem that Brady responds to a weird phenomenon (the sense of something in the grass, the weird hot air) by stepping right into the grass. Why do that? (Or did I misunderstand something?)
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
He leapt as the trailer's door slammed shut. Brady decided to check it out. Although, he didn't quite know what he was checking out yet... The wheat rustled as he sprinted through the field. His foot, placed on a small stone, not quite accurately enough to keep his balance, stumbled. Brady tripped into a hole. A rabbit hole, Brady guessed. Oh, how he hated those darned rabbits...
[This message has been edited by Choccido (edited March 25, 2006).]
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I thought the first two were better, if for no other reason, then because of grammar. They were also more coherent and easier to follow. One point of preference for me: I'd much rather see the story begin with a name than a pronoun. If you decide to keep something like this for the opening, use Brady's name in the first sentence and the pronoun in the second.
Keep in mind that you can post as much as 13 lines in 12 point font with one inch margins from your word processor.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Second Minister's points. I do have to mention your use of "window of his trailer park," because that's a bit of an odd thing and I can't understand what you mean by it.
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
Yeah... This is going to be a really interesting story...
