Chapter One
1770
The darkness was beginning to recede from the land when Jallend swung his leg over the side of Shiver, jumping off the pitch-black steed with the haughtiness of an expert rider. He patted the horse on the rump before walking over to a slender knotted stump on the side of the road where a newly fashioned sign dangled. Burned in the light wood was the word Newlander.
Thanks in advance.
Chrissie
The second clause "..,jumping..." might be better as a start to a new sentence: "He jumped off the...".
The rump patting seemed unnecessary, especially to the horse and I am not sure how a sign can dangle from a stump.
It was a little a short to get completely hooked but I found it an interesting start and I would like to read more.
Why is a newly fashioned sign dangling?
FastCat -- Yes he did ride all night and finally made it to town. Maybe that should be more clear. Putting "Jumping" into a "he jumped sentence" just doesn't read right to me. How bout if I change the word "jumping" to "dismounting the pitch-black steed..."
As to the sign conflict -- you guys made a valid point. I will make it clear that it is on hooks dangling from a post just off the side of the road.
And anyone wanting to read more can. Just visit my blog http://gigglewrks.blogspot.com/ The prologue and Chapter one are under the section Sample the goods -- Murmurs of the Mad.
Thanks again. I'm rushing off to make the changes.
Chrissie
My only commenton your prose it that it does read as adjective-heavy. The steed is "piptch-black", the knotted stump is "slender" (and I can't visualise that combination easily, knotted implies thick and gnarled to me - also, I think of "stump" as being very short, but a sign dangles from it), the sign is "newly fashioned", the wood is "light"... Sometimes it's best to let nouns stand on their own, particularly if they aren't actually important.
“There it is.” Jallend sighed with relief, looking off to the side of the road that was still black with shadow. He leapt from the saddle with the haughtiness of an expert rider, and walked over to the newly fashioned sign that dangled from a hand-carved post on two steel hooks. Burned into the light wood was the word Newlander.
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About my blog -- as far as my understanding goes, which I will confess is limited, I've been told by several agents and publishers that as long as I don't post to much of my stories, giving away anything more than a "Sample" of my writing or a "blurb" I should be fine. I do have to worry about thiefs stealing my ideas, but as someone once said, "every story has already been written, just the wording changes." So I figure, I have nothing to worry about.
Chrissie
Second--an expert rider doesn't leap from the saddle. At one point you mentioned dismounted which is the proper word. If your going for panache I'd try 'swung'.
One other thought that struck me. Is the sign his destination? If not it seems a waste of time for someone who's hurrying to dismount to go read it.
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited March 30, 2006).]
Technically, a rider that has ridden all night I don't picture as "leaping," from the saddle, more like "slid." Nor do I think that his horse would be prancing, the poor horse would be as exhausted as his rider.
It does make me curious as to what may be happening in the next 13 lines or so. Good luck with it.
Check out the "Please Read Here First." topic for all sorts of useful stuff about posting, it is a big help for us newbies.
Chrissie
I was more interested in the second version because you are telling me more about what is happening so I can understand more why the MC (Jallend) is where he is. I would read on.
I tend to agree that you are trying to describe the area in too much detail. Toggle back on the adjectives and let the reader's imagination do the work. You just told us that the night was beginning to lift so you don't need to tell us again a paragraph later that the "road was still black with shadow."
On the horse stuff, I am an experienced rider with horses in my front yard, I don't dismount "haughtily." I am not sure you can even do that. I * think * you are referring to when a rider swings the right leg over the saddle and drops to the ground in one smooth motion - that is more of a practiced ease kind of move or an emergency dismount. No rider regardless of how experienced or expert is cavaler about riding or dismounting. Also, if Jallend has been riding hard all night as implied by the "heavy breathing" there would be no vaulting from the saddle. Even the best rider's feet go a bit numb when they've been in the saddle for hours or been riding hard. Coming down fast from the saddle after being there for a while can HURT so take the fact that neither your rider nor horse will be fresh after riding all night.
I liked the image of yanking the reighs (although all riding instructors who read it will cringe ) but "hard" is implied by yanked. Also, when I've yanked a horse to a stop, he/she has protested by either jerking his/her head up or whinnying.
When the horse stops, he is not going to prance. Unless there is a predator around the horse will not be "anxious." He will "blow" which is the noise a horse makes when he releases a deep breath or is trying to catch his breath.
Other than the horse/rider issues, the second paragraph worked very well.
This was, after all, an age when horses were a vital means of transport rather than predominantly a hobby.
I thought that was an interesting bit of history not found in any of the books.
Chrissie
The narrative is structured correctly, but Jallend's horsemanship does not impress me thus far. He mishandles the reins, making his mount nervous and jumpy. Rather than dismounting properly, he leaps off without any further sign of concern for his mount. I suppose that he imagines his hauteur is that of an expert rider, but really it seems more likely the affectation of someone who can afford new mounts fairly often.
I'm not an expert rider or anything, though. I just don't like the guy's attitude. But if that's the character, it sorta works. He does stretch credability, both with his ability to ride all night without apparently feeling anything and his utter disregard for his mount, but both could be interesting.
So far they aren't, they're merely unbelievable. More POV information could help tell us who this guy thinks he is. A few concessions to reality could give us more confidence in the milieu. The language seems nearly there, a few tweaks and wordings is all.
The breed and thus colour of horse would depend on what kind of soldier he is and what country he is from. Our heavy draft horses, like Percherons, are originally bred to carry knights (coz armour weighed a lot) into battle, but if you were an Arab riding in a hot desert (and NOT in heavy metal armour), you would ride a small, light horse like an Arabian (fyi, every registered horse of the Thoroughbred breed can be traced back to one of three Arabian horses--pedigree really was important long ago, maybe even more so than today; purebred horses' pedigrees can be traced back hundreds of years, and longer for Arabians. If you missed a link somewhere, your horses decrease in value).
Would a haughty rider pat a horse's rump at all, or would he expect the horse to pat his rump?