Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Aria revisited

This is topic Aria revisited in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by JohnArden (Member # 3272) on :

I'd like to post the first 13 of the story again, if that is okay. Please take a look at it and see what you think. Note: the story that the wind tells follows in a poetic form.

High above an unnamed valley, in an effacing mountain cave, Joseph Kinh sat daydreaming atop a broad cedar log ornately hewn with images of faces sweeping round in a petrified breeze. Behind him, the firelight painted the cave wall with glowing amber, blending with the setting sunlight outside. He breathed steadily, paced by the flow of a dusky breeze that had just swirled into the cave. Winds, gusts, and breezes always carried songs, and Kinh would sit in his cave and listen to the songs they brought with them, paying heed to ones that hummed of places where he was needed, encroaching dangers he was to be wary of. The breeze that now swirled about his cave carried with it just such a song. Kinh raised his hand gently and moved his outstretched fingers slightly. He closed his eyes and spoke

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 12, 2006).]

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

Two things stood out at me

usky cannot be used to describe a breeze it's an adverb; petrified cannot be used to describe a breeze. It can be used as a noun, a verb, and an adverb.
What does 'bitter chill that suffused with lifeless bodies' mean?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I understand the petrified breeze (it's a carving); but I did have to think about it. I don't quite understand the dusky breeze, unless the breeze carries something in it to make it darker than the surroundings. I didn't understand the effacing cave, until I looked up "efface" and found it means "to make oneself inconspicuous"; even if I'd known it would take thinking about, since caves can't really make themselves anything. So your word choices are making it work to follow.

Whose POV is this? It can't be Joseph's. He wouldn't see the cave wall behind him. And I don't know what he's feeling. I'd say this not knowing is a big issue.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I saw the first post with this fragment, but honestly this one is not an improvement.

There are incorrect uses of words (to efface means to wipe out or erase and it is a verb; petrified breeze is an oxymoron; dusky breeze does not make sense either).
This whole section is overloaded with adjectives and adverbs. Actually the section is overworded in general, which slows the reader down and actually weakens the writing.

For instance - saying "Winds, gusts, and breezes" is not superior to just saying "The wind always carried..."

Also, there are verb tense changes that are awkward.

The writing is obfuscated by the wordiness, but even so, some passages such as "bitter chill that suffused lifeless bodies" does not make any sense to me.

I think you are trying to go for a poetic style of prose here, but as written it just isn't working.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

In additon to comments made by others, I have one "logical" issue that caused me to pause and think:

quote:
The cold, biting breeze numbed his fingertips.

I have to ask why. Since he is obviously familiar with talking to the wind, I would expect him to know about extreme cold. If it's necessary to not wear some sort of handcovering, maybe that should be mentioned.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

Okay. I agree with all of the people who have had some say in this already. All of which you are describing, (the wind) takes a very long time to wrao up. It's like it never ends. If this is how you're going to descirbe things throught your story, I don't think I would be able to keep my self awake. No offence.

Yeah, dusky, well dusk, is a time of day, so that doesn't really work. And I could mention all the other things, but I'd just be repeating people. Why do you call him Kinh? Isn't his name Joseph? The last name thing sorta only works in newspapers and articles and places like that. Why's he move his hand? Is really all that important? It's like saying, "And then Sally took a breath," like, wasn't she breathing before? Well, that's what I think. Some people may agree, some may not, but good luck with the editing!

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I really had only one problem: You need a thesaurus! Breeze can't be the only word that means "a small wind". But everything else looked fine.

P.S. Having the wind sing a poetic verse is a little cliche. You may lose a lot of people like me who have a habit of skipping poems, no matter how important they are.

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

The first sentence seems a bit of a run-on to me. I got lost toward the end of it. This may just be due to the number of adjectives and adverbs.

I like the feel of the things you are describing, but as others have said I think you use too many adjectives and adverbs. Simplify that, but maybe put in a metaphor somewhere if you can find a good one. Often a good metaphor can take the place of a few whole sentences of description.

Posted by Smutchy (Member # 3358) on :

Seems to me that the ideal starting place for this story is:

quote:
Winds, gusts, and breezes always carried songs,

I'll grant that it is redundant as written, which has been noted above, but it is also the most interesting thing about this. It appears to set up the premise of the whole story all by itself. I would recommend it being the only line in the first paragraph, then move on to introduce the main character and setting in new paragraphs.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Adverb & Adjective Overload.

Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :

There are some good images here, but I think you can strengthen this opening by tightening it up a bit (by pruning some of the adjectives/adverbs, as others have suggested). One exercise (I didn't come up with it, but I don't remember at the moment where I learned it) that I sometimes find helpful is to try to cut 20% of the words (don't worry, you can always put them back again if you don't like the result). I think for a first 13, this would mean cutting around 20-30 words. What this does is make you think about whether each word is important. Often, I find that snipping away an adjective or repetitious phrase here and there makes the writing stronger.