The winds blew the last particles of dust away, across the empty plains. Here, in the space of a few moments, a city had been destroyed. A city that had encompassed half the world. All gone, through a terrible power. My power as destroyer and restorer of worlds.
I stood on the high hill, looked over the emptiness of my kingdom. All of it was gone. The sound of wheels running through the miles of streets, the sound of common, everyday people going about their daily lives. The sound of the great bells, ringing for war. The blood-colored sun beat upon my head. Another world gone, and so soon. They chose to defy me, and so choosing, they called death upon their heads.
To the bitter end, they pressed me, testing to feel the limits
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 10, 2006).]
But I like the whole idea of this greater being, and how he is sort of a God.
I think that your opening here is interesting, though you do start a little slow. The voice is a little grandiose, which leads to trouble in the last line when you can't keep it up without making me smirk.
Something to consider. Even though you use the first person, this character seems to be viewing himself from the outside, in a number of senses. Like writing about Hitler and having him think how delusional and evil he is. Now the reason I chose Hitler as an example is because he is an historical figure whose personal writings and actions have been studied in some detail. We know that he was delusional and evil. But we also know that, far from considering himself delusional and evil, he never even suspected such things of himself. He never even thought that he might seem that way to others, he honestly believed that all his enemies were consciously lying when they said things like that about him.
Or, just possibly, he was so conscious of being delusional and evil that he faked all his personal writings. Who can really say? The point is that the "historical" Hitler who didn't think he was delusional and evil seems like a real person to us. The possibility that he was secretly aware of this after all seems implausible. To some extent this narrator also seems implausible. Not to the same extent as my example, and I think that you do need to make this character more interesting than the historical Hitler, but it is a problem.
In other words, I think that we have an epiphany story here. The character is going to come to a realization that alters his understanding of what he has done completely. Now, you could start with him in the mode of "Oh my God, what have I done?" and moving to "Oh, I'm God, what do I care?" Or you could have him go in the opposite direction. You could even do something completely different that doesn't involve the moral question of destroying an entire world because it happens to displease you and you can create another if you like.
By the way, anyone watching The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya? Because that's a really great show.
Anyway, whichever direction the epiphany runs, you need to make it something that the character isn't even considering as a possibility at the outset of the story. Otherwise, it's hardly an "epiphany", is it? Since you've titled it Another's Eyes I'd tend to assume that the epiphany runs in the latter direction and involves interaction with another character, whether in the present or through flashback (which isn't evil, you can do it). And I'm guessing you aren't going for utter hilarity like The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. But you know something? That's an insanely cool show, so going for the humor of the situation doesn't hurt.
quote:
Just because we're losing? She's so full of it.
* I don't like wondering what's up. Moving one sentence would help me:
The winds ... My power as destroyer and restorer of worlds. They chose to defy me, and so choosing, they called death upon their heads.
I stood on the high hill...
* You might omit paragraphs 2 and 4; I don't know that they add anything.
* A solution to the last line wording is "They were wrong."
* I don't know if MC is male or female; I guessed female. It might be good to know; refer to her as "their queen" or "their goddess" or something.
* It may be hard to get people connected to this character, since she seems so awful. But if she's interesting, we'll probably keep reading anyway. You might introduce a complexity into her character before long.
I thought the reference to "empty plains" in the first sentence seemed out of place next to the described size of the city. Are there no outlying areas of population? No roads?
There's an awful lot of passive voice, given a character who is so strong.
I like the way the speaker seems to be gloating, and I especially like the subtle reference to "Another world gone, and so soon."
Novice...The empty plains are there because the city, and all inhabiants that can be seen from this hill the MC is standing on have been obliterated. And I thought the passive vioce could be handled because of the passive manner in which he's currently thinking, remembering as opposed to planning.
But very cool that I got some reactions out of everybody, I'm very happy.
[This message has been edited by Wetherby the Owl (edited May 09, 2006).]
One potential problem:
Your story starts out very epic. The language paints a picture that is mythic in proportion, but I worry that it's about to head over the top. If you continue on with the epic description and the "destruction of worlds" for too long you might lose some people. I personally would like to see a little grounding soon after this opening. I need something I can relate to, and destroying worlds doesn't quite fit the bill. That's not to say that this isn't pretty cool, but I think you need to add in something that people can relate to.