Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Owned-revised

This is topic Owned-revised in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001977

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

OK, first I appriciate everyone's comments from the first post. I have started a new topic so people won't be comparing the revision to the previous attempts and just take this one as it stands. So here's the revised revission.

Slavery is slavery whether he entered into it voluntarily or not. The only thing worse for Bill than knowing that his present situation was his own doing, was knowing he dragged his daughter into it with him. Jessica never blamed him, but they both knew it was his fault.
Bill didn’t like being a glamorized errand boy or the tasks that came with it.
Bill glanced nervously up and down the street and wished the transport could have dropped him a little closer to his target for this specific errand. All this skulking through back alleys was beginning to get on his nerves. As far as he could see he was the only person out tonight. That was the problem with these colonial planets, no night life. If there were some people out walking around he could blend in.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

You're missing the point. We WANT to compare the revision to the prior version. By posting your revision in the same thread, we can see how you adapted the suggestions, comment on whether the adaptation was more effective than the revision, and in general not be giving you the same advice over and over.

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

OK, I changed the beginning around again, so please comment on which way works better. Thanks.

Bill glanced nervously up and down the street and wished the transport could have dropped him a little closer to his objective. He didn’t like being a glamorized errand boy or the tasks that went with it and all this skulking through back alleys was beginning to get on his nerves. As far as he could see he was the only person out tonight. That was the problem with these colonial planets, no night life. If there were some people out walking around he could blend in.
Slavery is slavery whether he entered into it voluntarily or not. The only thing worse for Bill than knowing that his present situation was his own doing was knowing he dragged his daughter into it with him. Jessica never blamed him, but they both knew it was his fault.