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A maglev to Beijing whip-cracked over Izzy’s head doing nearly a thousand klicks, its path raised a dozen meters over the countryside. The sensor array splayed across her shoulder blades felt the magnetic fields that kept the train suspended a few centimeters above its rail, gentle like a distant scream.
She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance. Even the huge trucks that lumbered down the road she followed were unmanned, their onboard computers mindlessly obeying the instructions the smart road gave. Empty. Quiet, too, except for the trucks. Nothing at all like Shanghai.
But then, wasn’t that the point of running away?
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Thanks!
Only nit is that you may need to add a couple of commas to make it clear to the knuckleheads (like me) what you mean, like in the sensor array bit.
Also I would hyphenate smart-road
I think you've got a good start. Other words: I'd keep reading.
PS: Let me know when it's ready for a reader.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 05, 2006).]
Other than that, I think it's good. Just enough information to establish character and setting and a direction.
I'd read on.
I'd remove "it's path raised" from the first sentence. Seems a little obvious and it slows the sentence down. (Lovely image btw. Whip-cracked seems like the perfect word).
Probably my most subjective one: I'd remove the word "gentle" from the last sentence of the 1st paragraph. I personally feel that no scream, however distant, is ever gentle and don't think that removing the word would hurt the image. But that really is just me.
Finally the sentence "She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance" feels a littke clumsy to me. I'd suggest combining the information into one clause, rather than separating it into two. Something more like (though there is certainly a better way to do this) "The last person she'd seen had been on the horizon." Along those rough lines.
Aside from that I thought this was a great opening. If I had more time I'd really love to read it. I'm just sorry I don't right now.
Good luck, hope this helps.
I dwelt too long on "shoulder blades." Are the sensors attached directly to bone? If not, it might read better if you simply said, "shoulders." If they are attached to bone, you should clarify that fact. (I think my eyes kept getting caught on "blades" because that word broke the rhythm of the sentence. I can't say why, though. Maybe it's unexpected. Comfortable reading, for me, tends to let me expect what is coming next. Too many surprises and I start getting distracted from the story.)
I like this, on the whole. It's entertaining. Even though I don't know much about Izzy yet, I know enough about the setting to want to know why she is there. It's a bit unconventional, but it works.
I felt confused, but I think this could easily be fixed by rearranging the order a little. (This is assuming the maglev is relevant.) However you choose to write it, what if you presented the info in this order?
quote:
[The road under the maglev track was] Empty. Quiet, too, except for the trucks. Nothing at all like Shanghai.But then, wasn’t that the point of running away?
She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance. Even the huge trucks that lumbered down the road she followed were unmanned, their onboard computers mindlessly obeying the instructions the smart road gave.
A maglev to Beijing whip-cracked over Izzy’s head ...
But aren't the maglev details exciting? Well, sure, if they're relevant. But I can't care until I know why Izzy cares. (And, to me, your hook isn't the maglev; it's Izzy running away. So it would be cool to see it early. Not that that matters as much in an novel.)