The boy stood outside the village bakery, waiting for the chef to take the apple pie out of the oven and set it by the window to cool. He'd heard it was being prepared for the mayor's birthday, who was turning fifty-four today, not that the boy cared as he didn't know whether he was thirteen or fourteen. Nobody had ever given him a name either.
That wasn't true. In some hamlets he traveled through, the denizens would chase him out with long sticks after he did what he had to survive. They called him Thief.
And he was about to do what he had to as soon as that pie was sitting by the window. His stomach grumbled. Oh let that pie come out soon; he hadn't had anything sweet in
I have some wording grumbles I wanted to go over:
"He'd heard it was being prepared for the mayor's birthday, who "
The who here is refering to the mayor's birthday, not the mayor, and so it sounds weird and is grammatically incorrect.
"was turning fifty-four today, not that the boy cared as he didn't know whether he was thirteen or fourteen."
I'm not sure what the word for this is -- maybe comma splice -- but the information after the comma here is extraneous to the original sentence and, IMHO, should be in a different sentence. It sounds like a run on, even if it isn't. (It may be, I just don't feel confident enough about that diagnosis to say so for sure.)
"In some hamlets he traveled through, the denizens would chase him out with long sticks after he did what he had to survive. "
I think this should read "had to do to survive." It sounds weird and I have an incling that it is technically wrong the way it is, but most of my grammar knowledge is gut-level and so I can't say for sure. I think it may be as simple as a missing verb. The way it is being used, survive isn't a verb.
"And he was about to do what he had to as"
once again...a to do
Hope this helps. Really, an example of a very good opening.
* The construction of your second sentence feels a little convoluted. Too many clauses strung together with commas, and missing one comma (after "boy cared"). I'd rework that sentence. And while we're on the topic of commas, I'd throw one after "Oh" in the last sentence.
* "The mayor's birthday, who was turning 54 today" sounds misplaced to me, as if it were the mayor's birthday who was turning 54. Maybe that's just me, though -- somebody else chime in. I'd prefer "for the mayor's fifty-fourth birthday" anyway.
* "did what he had to survive" just felt off. Technically, it should read "did what he had to do to survive"; I'm all for eliding extra words, but in this case it felt awkward.
2. In the last sentence, "Oh[,] let that pie come out soon; he hadn't had..." uses two different tenses. I'd either italicize the "Oh, let that" (i.e., make it a literal present-tense thought in story time) or change it to past tense (i.e., make it part of the narrator's voice rather than Thief's voice).
3. I don't believe that any 13-yo boy has ever not gotten a name from anybody. The first thing that Adam and Eve did was name the animals -- we're naming creatures. Every time somebody uses a construction like this, it immediately makes me disbelieve them.
4. This next bit isn't necessarily a criticism, depending on how your story proceeds. So far the tension in the story is pretty simple: hungry boy wants to steal a pie. That's not a long-term hook, but clearly the pie is relevant, so you've set an expectation that there will be mischief when Thief steals the pie, and that will lead to the rest of the story; or maybe that he takes the pie and shares it with a friend, who gets them on their journey, or something. I hope that's the way you're going -- if he steals the pie, eats it, and then battles evil robot monkeys, I'll feel cheated.
5. Now that I think about it, "chasing them with long sticks" sounds a little weird, too. Why just long sticks? Why not pitchforks and whale mandibles? But maybe I'm just being a nitpicker now.
Regards,
Oliver
Otherwise, I like the opening. I'd rather have a different thing to steal here, though, or different circumstances.
Sorry for gutting it out. I'm a stickler for realism. I liked the tone, liked the flow and I want to know what happens next.
Do you need readers? If so, please send it in
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 07, 2006).]
The paradox of the boy mentioning the mayor's age in his thoughts, but not caring about ages, is too much. The character completely collapsed for me there. He is too detached, and too far removed from my experience.
If your story's plot was intriguing enough, I'd keep reading despite having no way to sympathize with the MC, but you've started in a common scene. Maybe explain why this boy risks so much, by stealing this particular pie. That might reveal the part of his character that distinguishes him from other abandoned children living off what food they can steal.
Your writing style is good, and I had no problems other than the same, easily corrected, punctuation and phrasing problems others have already pointed out. I did have a small thought pop into my head while reading your first sentence, in that it's irregular for someone to refer to the person running a bakery as a "chef." My brain wanted to find the word "baker" there.
quote:
Nobody had ever given him a name either. That wasn't true. In some hamlets he traveled through, the denizens would chase him out with long sticks after he did what he had to survive. They called him Thief.
Maybe you could add, "but he always thought of himself as" Robot Monkey Boy!
At least that way I have a reference for him and I know he has some sense of self.
quote:
He'd heard it was being prepared for the mayor's birthday, who was turning fifty-four today
I agree with the prior comments on this line. This seems too awkward. The rhythem is off. I don't think you need the "'s birthday."
"He'd heard it was being prepared for the mayor, who was turning fifty-four today."
Other than those easily remedied issues, it's a nice start.
I'd be interested in reading this when you get to that point.
I liked the idea about a by who didn't even have a name, personally. As for the comment:
quote:
IMO, the boy would call himself something. Names are how we relate to the world.
One comment though, if the boy continues to go namless for the whole story, you might want to come up with some way to refer to him, since this story isn't in first person and you can't use "I" as the boy would in his mental processes. Perhaps you could refer to him early on as "He," capitolized to infer a proper name in this context, so the reader won't be bogged down with "the boy" for the whole story?
I would like to continue the conversation regarding naming characters in a more general discussion, and was wondering if you would mind me starting a topic in the Open Discussions forum, referring to this post? I'm interested in exploring the concept of unnamed characters in more detail, but I don't want to get your fragment all off course. Would you mind?
1st of all, super for starting off with action...here we have a boy, about to steal an important foodstuff. Good, good. However...where's the fantasy-fiction immersion? This action could be very well taking place in a village somewhere today, say in Europe, or even in an earlier time period, say 17th century...see what I mean? What indication is there here that it's a fanasy story?
So I suggest...play around with the terms...as in, have the pie be likw a 'boysenberrie tartpie', or made from some other kind of berry/fruit filling not in existence on 'regular earth'. And, instead of a window...how about something like a canvas flap, or something made of some woven material, play around with architectural styles...maybe the cooks are members of some semi-nomadic tribe, and live in large tents like gypsies, or Tibetans, and other wise put up tapestries/fabric hangings wherever they roost, in doorways/windows/archways, what have you...this all goes under the heading of 'world-building'.
And the boy...is he a raggamuffin? A homeless waif? A runaway? He's known as Thief to his knavery friends mayhaps, but what does everyone else call him? They have to give him *some* kind a name..howsabout 'No Name'?
The waif No Name, hungry beyond belief, eked himself up painfully to the cookhouses' windowflap, beyond which the head cook inside was busy with her baking for the Darendon festivities that evening. He was known as Thief to his friends, however, and his reputation as a skillful scarfer was put to the test, particularly now, as he knew here the cooks would soon be placing out their great pastry creations to cool in the afternoon draughts...tinkljuice scones, treeworst, and yes even byzynberry tartpie, his uncontested favorite. Even now he could catch wiffs of it on the air, putting grumblings in his gut loud enough to threaten to give himself away.
Just as a suggested text, and I dont think even this treatment is close to where I would want to go with this...and, beyind that, is it even kosher for me to take things this far, to do as much as to suggest alternative text-renderings of a particular chosen passage? If I'm reading a work on fantasy, I want to encounter fantasy-styled stuffums, just like if I was reading SF...well, I tend to shy away from SF givings that treat space fleets as a 'Navy', and to mention political bodies as 'counties' or 'townships', or where peeps have predictable, ho-hum WASP names like Smith or Jones...you get the idea, perhaps tho too this is just my personal biases coming into play here. Even just a change from 'apple pie' to 'weedsugar tart', and 'window' to 'archhole', 'bolthole'...hmm...'airflap'? Is that too unreasonable? Mayhaps...of course, you could just ignore all this claptrap...but i DID enjoy it that you started with tension.
VeeJayEss
I mean, why even make it a pie? Why not make it a weifentarte? Perhaps because "-tarte" makes it sound like a pastry, which isn't fantastic at all. So why not have him steal a byzynberrie weifenhast?
The answer, for me, is that it starts to feel like I'm falling into undefined gibberish. Those things that deviate from reality should do so for a reason -- a reason that I can grasp as I'm reading -- or my mind has nothing to latch on to.
I like the use of apple pie because by ignoring the pie, I can focus on Thief -- and Thief is inherently _much_ more interesting than a byzynberrie weifenhast.
My two cents.
Regards,
Oliver
Keep in mind that fantasy isn't really medieval in any sense of the word. When you finally accept that it makes the entier genre easier to swallow. It's really real life but more backwards so that magic seems more grand.
I like apple pie. It's easy for me to get my mind around and it's simplicity and lack of trying to hard makes me read past it without a thought -- which is what you want that particular object to do in this story.