It's been a while since I posted the first thirteen lines of this story when I began writing it, but now it is done. It is a little over 6000 words long. I am planning on sending it in to the Writer's of the Future contest by the 30th of this month so I am looking for people who could read the entire story and give me feedback/critiques within that period of time. However, if I think it needs more improvement I won't send it in on the 30th. I'll just send it in next quarter. So if you want to read it and make your mark on it then let me know and I'll get it to you as soon as I can. Any help on the first thirteen is also appreciated. Be as brutal as you like.
________ Justice failed me.
“Traitor Poltor, show yourself before the Council.”
I shambled over into the spotlight in the middle of the room. The chains around my wrists and ankles wore away my skin. Blood already slicked the iron around my right ankle. I was fortunate that was my only injury, so far.
“Traitor Poltor, you are hereby sentenced to life in the Traitor’s Cage for treason against the Great Republic without possibility of appeal, the pleasure of sunlight, or the presence of another human soul ever again. Your name will be stricken from the records, and you will easily be forgotten. As the law declares you have the right to make one last statement before your life is erased. Speak now, or be forever silent.” ________
[This message has been edited by KillerDonut (edited June 23, 2006).]
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I'd totally read that. Great hook, and I want to know what Poltor said, if nothing else.
Nits: I'd drop "ever again", since "without possibility of appeal" etc. covers that idea. I also thought that "you will easily be forgotten" sounded funny: I'd leave off "easily". I'd use a comma after "As the law declares".
I've read worse things in published fiction that I like, though, so those nits wouldn't make me stop reading.
Send it on if you'd like a critique.
Regards, Oliver
Posted by ahwilson (Member # 3511) on :
I APROVE. I would like to here what he says. The only thing I would not like is a story of a guy locked in prision his whole life and he tells what its like to prison forever. If on the other hand he is able to break out or do something except sit in prision forever and do nothing I would definently buy that book.
Props and good luck.
Posted by Mig (Member # 3318) on :
Great hook! And well written at that. I think oliverhouse hit all the nit I was going to pick, so ditto on those. But I would just add that "ever again" seemed out of place, out of tone with the rest of the that dialogue, and a bit redundant. I recommend you cut that.
Posted by LibbieMistretta (Member # 3496) on :
Yeah, this is great! I want to read more!
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Having the JUDGE explain that his life is going to be hell, sounded kind of weird, i think we get the idea just from the "being erased from the records" "shut in a cage" part. I think the "light of sunshine", "not seing another human being" should be told through the MC's eyes
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
> I think the "light of sunshine", "not seing > another human being" should be told through > the MC's eyes
I thought of that, but I think I like it as is. When the judge sentenced what's-his-name Moussaoui recently, she delivered a little speech not too dissimilar from this one -- basically making the point that instead of a martyr, he was going to die a forgotten old man. I think I'd keep it this way. But of course, that's just me.
Posted by KillerDonut (Member # 3209) on :
I made some corrections to the points that oliver made and I have sent the story to oliverhouse, ahwilson, and LibbieMistretta. Did you want to take a look at it Mig?
Posted by Verdant (Member # 3498) on :
I'd read this. I thought the melodramatic lines about pleasure of sunshine... were fine. Having worked many a court room, they sound like typical judicial pontificating when passing down a sentance. I am kind of curious, though, this is in first person and I am wondering what the MC is thinking while the judge is blathering on. I can totally see this falling into a flashback trap and hope it doesn't because the hook works so well.
Good writing
[This message has been edited by Verdant (edited June 23, 2006).]
Posted by Rilnian (Member # 3506) on :
Very well written, and I too love the hook. I am beyong interested to know what he says. Hope it isn't to monologuey...(That's gotta be a word).
Please send it to me, I should be able to return critiques within a week.