My title stinks. I need a better one. I'm also interested in your impressions of what will follow. What promises do you expect me to fulfill?
---
The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Landon House flashed by in a tunnel of green. Ginger Stuyvesant knew her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.
When Ginger pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, Lillian's butler came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche and stuffed it into the pocket of her driving coat as she got out of the car.
"Ginger, darling! Thank heavens you've come." In a flurry of lace and satin, Lillian Reese-Landon flung herself down the stairs. Even in the daylight, circles of fear rippled through her aura.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 27, 2006).]
Hmmm.. Well with this little snippet I am expecting a traditional Elizabethan-styled horror story. Of course, I see the setting isn't in the Elizabethan era, but expect the structure and prose to be reminiscent of this type of storytelling.
I wouldn't expect any traditional fantasy elements nor technology to have a bearing on the story. The one question I have is whether the nursery in question is for plants or babies -- I'll assume the latter.
As far as the title - you're right, it sounds rather mundane, but without reading more (which I'd be happy to)it's difficult to suggest an alternative.
I expect
-to be introduced to the mystery of the haunted nursery--and for the mystery to be solved (ie why is it haunted, or for the ghost to be exorcised, or both)
-to understand why Lilian is so afraid
-Ginger's psychic talents to play a major part in what will follow
-a better sense of the relationship between Lilian and Ginger--ie why did Ginger come all that way: for Lilian, or for the haunted nursery?
And bonus points if the butler's involved anywhere in the haunting
A few nits: Should read "Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways." Got rid of the "a"
I didn't like "flung herself down the stairs" Sounded odd and a bit forced. Flung reads more like thrown by force. Does one forcefully throw themselves down the stairs? Better to try another less obtrusive verb like ran.
Does anyone else have the nursery baby/plant question? I didn't even think about it and now I'm paranoid.
As for the fragment, I'd keep on reading. I'd also wonder why the butler doesn't have fear ripples.
Ginger Stuyvesant and the Haunted Baby Nursery
Perfect. Solves the title problem, too.
Edit: spelt nose wrong...
[This message has been edited by Rilnian (edited June 27, 2006).]
Aside from the baby/plant confusion, I am still interested in your impressions of what will follow. What promises do you expect me to fulfill?
My guess is that the plant impression is coming from my first sentence. What if I took the word out of the title and the first time you encountered it was here?
quote:
Ginger embraced her university friend. "Of course! Haunted nursery? Your first born child? How could I stay away?"
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 27, 2006).]
Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Dental Floss
I used to love those books...
...and in the interest of fulfilling everyone's expectations maybe you could make it a nursery for baby plants!
Incidentally, in your earlier post (the first response in the thread) did you really mean Elizabethan, or Victorian? I would have thought the latter to be the typical period for a ghost/mystery story. Though this one I'm taking as Edwardian, or maybe George V's reign.
A few notes. I'm not at all sure whether "Brit" was common slang of the period, as used by Americans (I'm assuming, from that reference and from the name, that Ginger Stuvesant is an American). A butler would be unlikely to take the reins of a horse, unless the butler is the only manservant Lillian's got (which is possible); it would normally be a groom or a footman. The butler is the very top of the tree in terms of personal staff, and normally delegates anything menial (and particularly anything likely to be messy) to other members of the household.
Stuffing a hat into a pocket is a surefire way of crumpling it beyond recognition, I would have thought.
Reese-Landon (despite being double-barrelled) sounds more like an American name, to be honest, so I'm not sure if this is set in the US but with an English butler or set in the UK.
As for the title - it's probably fine if you're going to write a series of Ginger Stuyvesant mysteries (it has the right feel for the period), but as a one-off, it might not work as well.
I would read on, at least for now; the hook (aside from the title) is that Ginger can see Lillian's aura, so is clearly psychic.
Yes, this is the first in a series. The working title of the next one is "Ginger Stuyvesant and the Case of the Disappointed Bridgroom." I'm looking for something between Sherlock Holmes and Nancy Drew in feel.
I am relieved that people seem to be getting most of the things I want them too. I think which kind of nursery I mean is now handled in the fourteenth line.
Here are my revised first thirteen.
quote:
The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Ginger Stuyvesant's hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.When she pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, a liveried manservant came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave.
"Ginger, darling! Thank heavens you've come." In a flurry of lace and satin, Lillian Rhodes hurried down the stairs. Even in the daylight, circles of fear rippled through her aura.
"Ginger Stuyvesant's hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent."
There is something passive about in the construction. "Lillian's telegram sounded urgent, and the disarray of Ginger's hair showed..." I don't know. I do think you start with the urgent telegram and find another way to show that Ginger looks disheveled.
"When she pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, a liveried manservant came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave."
I'd change it to "as if ready." A hundred years and the invention of the automobile had left the manners of these English servants untouched. Ginger half-expected to find a herald at the door.
All and all, it's a nice story. Keep it up.
The story is finished and after a bout of editing last night is down to 6500 words. I never have time to critique anymore or I'd be asking for first readers on this puppy.
I originally had "Ginger Stuyvesant knew that her hair would be in a state..." but changed it because the "knew" seemed a little distancing. I think that would be true farther into the story when we're firmly in her POV. However, I'm looking at it again and thinking that since this is the first paragraph that it might need the "knew." Would that change your feeling about the passivity?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 27, 2006).]
I immediately thought baby nurseries, for two reasons. One, it's British, and I think "nursery" for plants is an American term. Two, ghosts in the baby nursery seem reasonable (it *is* indoors) but ghosts out in the greenhouse is a little strange.
Um, seriously, though, just the idea of a ghost haunting a nursery (the baby kind) totally creeps me out. Probably because I have young children.
quote:
One, it's British, and I think "nursery" for plants is an American term.
Nope. We use the term widely - there are several within a few miles of our home.
But I don't think it'll cause any real confusion, given that it gets clarified so quickly into the story.
Though not technically passive, your opening does misdirect our sense of action. The first couple of lines definitely imply that Ginger is not the direct actor, but she is. She's driving the Morris Cowley, after all.
Telegrams are usually quite short. It might not take much more space to mention the actual contents of the telegram than to mention it at all.
Also, Ginger might have reason to pay special attention to the particulars of Landon House as it came into view. You know, if Lillian wasn't specific about what was wrong. That would be helpful in terms of scene establishment.
So, more like this.
quote:
With her cloche pulled tight over her head, Ginger Stuyvesant pushed her Morris-Cowley as fast as it would go. The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had said, "HAUNTED NURSERY. WORRIED ABOUT BABY. HELP?"When she pulled around the circular drive of the manor house, a liveried manservant came down the grand stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave.
etc. etc. etc.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 30, 2006).]
Maybe use "creche" in place of nursery, "Vivian" instead of Lillian, and something else for the hat.
It's a good opening though, and I would read on.
quote:
Did you mean that including the telegram or changing the first line neutered the story? Or both?
Actually, I was teasing you. Apparently, I was a little too subtle for my own good.
quote:
Did you mean that including the telegram or changing the first line neutered the story? Or both?
quote:
With her cloche pulled tight over her head, Ginger Stuyvesant pushed her Morris-Cowley to its limit. The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.
The telegram didn't do it for me either. Who outside of Bedlam would write such a message, and what respectable service would transmit it? You've got to remember, with the telegram, at least two other people end up knowing the entire contents of the message along with the identity of the sender and recipient. It seemed totally implausible. Make it something that pleads for assistance, but does so without sounding insane. Composing a meaningful telegram was quite the artform among individuals who valued their privacy back in the day. And it is one that would serve you well here, at the outset of your story.
As for the Morris-Cowley, you need a first reference that clearly establishes that Ginger is driving a car. I would advise starting when she turns off the main road. Or just skipping the entire car scene, start in the drawing room or whereever she goes to get her full briefing.
quote:
Ginger cautiously sipped her tea, both to disguise her lack of experience and to better observe Lillian.
Or not. I don't know how things go, after all. But if you start with the driving, you need to both clearly establish the scene and then accomplish something in it before changing venue (getting out of the car).