Hatrack River Writers Workshop: fantasy short

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Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Hi
This is a short fantasy story. I still have to rewrite most of it but it should end up taking up 4000-5000 words. Tell me what you think of the first thirteen lines. The rest isn't ready for reading yet.
It's a bit over 13, but I didn't want to cut the last phrase. I'll let Kathleen decide.

On the eve of the battle the Gong sounded from the lone turret on the temple. It is a very large gong and the sound vibrated off the round bells that surround it, through the metal fittings on the city's walls and the warriors armour, making noblings spears and peasant hoes quiver alike. If you were touching the ground that day you must have felt it, from your bare feet, up your thin, fat, agile, or decrepit legs, through your loins (may you always keep them) and on to your stomach, your heart, maybe your vocal cords. If you opened your mouth at that moment you might have exhaled a perceptible - ahhh- a reflex sound, a sigh of death and probable defeat. In my case, the vibration stopped at my loins, or what is left of them. I do not think it was because of my obsession with that missing

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 30, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Interesting

A bit heavy in the description, but interesting none the less as it makes me want to know why the gong was sounded.

Definitely, I would love to see more of this.

Send it to me when you think it is ready, or even not so ready.

Thanks

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I was really drawn in. I had a clear image of the gong reveberating through the air. Neat. And I too became very curious about why the gong was ringing and what that meant.
Only part that didn't fit in was the word "anatomy". The prose is quite poetic, and anatomy seems very scientific and stiff.

[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited June 30, 2006).]

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This was too verbose for me - the hyperbole a bit thick.
Pare down some of the adjective and it may read smoother.

There are some verb tense problems that need to be corrected also.

The idea is interesting, but not enough to hook me at this point - I'd like to see a clearer POV.

Posted by Raisedbyswans (Member # 3529) on :

I agree with paring down comment.

I found the 2nd person perspective interested and would have liked to see the story continue on in it instead of switching over to the 1st person. I found the change of perspective jarring and would stick with one mode, otherwise you're just describing the same thing twice.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I don't have a hook. There's one toward the end -- I wonder how someone can survive w/o loins -- but I don't believe it -- I don't think it can be done. It would certainly have to be a hight-tech world.

Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2964) on :

I found the transition from the first sentence to the second jarring. You describe a gong sounding on the eve of battle and I have this clear picture of armies getting ready, but then you describe the gong when I was expecting to hear more about the upcoming battle.

The description, however, is good if not a bit too saturated with adjectives.

I'm also not sure where the hook is.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Give the gong (and the battle, and the temple, and the city) a name or assume the audience knows what it is.

In other words, act like a real narrator if you're going to use one.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I got stuck on the second sentence. You capitalized "Gong", as if it's the Only One, and then said, "It is a very large gong and..." Maybe that's just redundant -- the following description gives a very clear view of just how powerful it is. Maybe not, in which case you might decapitalize "Gong" and say something like "the enormous gong" in the first sentence.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

I like the style of this, but the descriptions border on too much style in a few places. (i.e. "...thin, fat, agile, or decrepit legs..." This is confusing when the leader launches into it, as my first reaction on seeing "fat" right after "thin" was, "Hey, didn't it just say thin? So are the legs fat or thin?" And then I re-read it, finally went on past it, and then caught up with you. But I was tired when I did.)

I'm not sure the "...a perceptible - ahhh - a reflex sound..." helps the imagery, as you've done a fine job of description. The reader will insert the "ahhh" without you needing to put it there for them. You could just say, "...you might have exhaled a reflex sound, a sigh..."

The second sentence needs a comma. ("It is a very large gong, and the sound...") Further down, there's a sentence that would benefit from a comma, though it might not be grammatically necessary. ("If you were touching the ground that day, you must have...") (I like commas, so I'd be tempted to toss one into your first sentence, as well: "On the eve of the battle, the Gong sounded...")

I don't like the pairing "...quiver alike..." It's a bit awkward, and the rest of your fragment is more elegant that the paired "qui.." and "...ike" sounds. Most of your consonants are soft until that point, and go back to being soft after.

I'm not hooked by the content of this fragment, but I'm quite hooked by the pleasant flow and interesting imagery. I'd keep reading. I even like the conversational first person POV, and I'm not usually a first person kind of reader.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Thanks for the tips
Novice: I would never have thought of the softness of consonants. That was interesting insight. I'll have to mull it over before I try to tinker with it, though. I don't feel my technique is good enough to play with words on a poetical level.
"Loins" in this context was used to mean "genitals" How many didn't get it immediately? I can always switch it to "genitals"
I wasn't so convinced about the flowery adjectives either. Let' see if this is better.
I've added an intro: how does it work? It was meant to give the city a name and build milieu. I don't know what to do with the first/second person problem. The protagonist talks in first person, but then adresses the reader or another character, I still don't know which. How can I make that clearer?
I always have trouble trimming down adjectives. Which of them bother you the most?

I served the city of Warframton during the Farong War.
The city has three walls. The oldest and innermost is flint and firestone. The second is made of titanic boulders ripped from the earth by our ancestors. The third is wolfram metal and gives the city its name. At the center of the innmost wall there is a temple, and on the turret of that temple rests the Gong.
On the eve of battle I heard it. It is large, and the sound vibrated off the round bells that surround it, through the metal fittings on the city's walls and the warrior's armour, making nobling spears and peasant hoes quiver alike. If you were touching the ground that day, you must have felt it, from your bare feet, up your thin or fat, agile or decrepit legs, through your loins (may you always keep them) and on to your stomach,

[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited July 03, 2006).]
Edited to add a coma

[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited July 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Hello Sara,

I am not sure as to how to resolve you POV issues, but for a story this short, it might be best to pick one and stick with it.

As far as your beginning goes, instead of having your description go outward in the description of the walls, move inward. Start from the outer most and go from there to describe the walls, then in to the temple, then further in to the gong that resides there.

Your second paragraph I think looses its momentum in the heavy descriptives used for the vibration. Less is often more, although I think the line about "obsessing over what is missing," is excellent.

I still would not mind reading the remainder of this tale to find out what is going on.

Good luck with this.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Okay, give the narrator a name too. Again, organize your narrative as he would tell it to the imagined audience. Forget about "hooking" us, write like a guy who fought in the Farong War.

By the way, that Gong doesn't interest me.

Posted by Raisedbyswans (Member # 3529) on :

I think the first paragraph is excessive. For me, the story begins with the narrator hearing the gong before battle. Starting the story there also makes more sense to me from a narrative standpoint because if your narrator is a warrior, then it seems to me the impending battle would be his first concern, not describing the walls.

I think something like, "Warframton's gong rang, harolding the upcoming battle," would set the stage well.

Also, the gong seems contrived to me - like you're trying to use it as a vehicle to decribe the setting. In all likely hood your audience will be familar with this genre and has little need of such obvious description. The simple fact that the city has a signal gong already says volumes about the setting and gives me a good mental picture of the place. You'll also have plenty opportunities to describe the city as the narrator fights. This seems like an action packed story, so get us there already.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Quotation marks would solve your POV problem. You simply need to make it clear someone is speaking. I understood your first posting as a consistent POV, because I caught on that he was speaking. (I assumed he was speaking to me, the reader.) But quotes would make that clear to all readers. I've seen stories that are one long quotation, with never a tag or aside or drop into internal dialogue, and I've seen a few of these that were extraordinary. It simply requires a lot of planning.

If you are going for that kind of effect, you have to be very careful to keep the narration conversational, because the kind of descriptions you use are not exactly the type things someone would say out loud. (Well, a professional "storyteller" might. If that is the case, your character should introduce himself and relate why he is retelling the story...give the reader some idea of who the audience is. If he is speaking to the reader, make that clear. Or, if he is writing all of this down and the reader is supposed to be reading a journal or diary entry, make that clear with some sort of notation.)

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

I agree, the imagery is a little too over the top still. And I'm curious about the gong, the second post almost makes it seem like they have already given up. (That it was a hearald of death) I like the conversational tone of the second one, and I would like to see more, the only other thing about it is, maybe start with who this is and why it is being told. In the grand scheme of things why does this city on the eve of battle mean anything?

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Thanks everybody. Now I have to figure out how to work all you've said into the next version. Why is that always the most difficult part of writing? Are there any particular methods you would use. I'm very much in need of a writing crutch
thanks again!