Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Fear of Evil (13 line)

This is topic The Fear of Evil (13 line) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by celtic_lord88 (Member # 3536) on :

Houston
“So, you are the slayer who plans to avenge his father’s death,” said Professor Rutherford in a thick British accent. “You must be either very brave or very foolish. Let me tell you a little about Victor. Let me tell you things Robert could never thing to tell you. Not only about Victor, but also about your father.
“Victor is a cold-blooded killer and kills and feasts upon anyone he finds. Man, woman, and child. None are spared from his grasp. He devours even the innocent. But Victor’s story goes way back to before Columbus landed in what was then thought to be the West Indies. It began even before the infamous Dark Ages. Victor’s story goes back to the year 1025 A.D. You see, Victor’s brother was Dracula or originally Dragulia.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Please explain yourself.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

Although this is not the opening in the original post, I'll talk about it as if it is the opening.

First, I was sort of hooked by this opening because I kept picturing Rutherford as Sean Connery lighting his pipe as he sits in a armchair, ready to tell his newest young ward what he is up against, but that's just me.

Second, I have to agree with what someone said in the last thread. You should read the dialogue out loud to hear how odd it sounds to everyone else. You use "Let me tell you..." twice in a row, which just doesn't flow because I was distracted by that.

Third, from the looks of the way this is going, you are about to info-dump. What's worse is that the dump is about the antagonist. At this point, we know nothing about the MC, except he is a slayer who plans to avenge his father's death. It would be nice to at least know his name.

Finally, I think it might be dangerous to involve Dracula. Just from a personal standpoint, I think you are taking on certain stereotypes and limiting the possibilities by stating what kind of vampire you are using. Although the people reading this will have read Bram Stoker's Dracula, they may be the only ones because most people have not read it and will think more along the lines of the goofy Universal dracula.

P.S. I didn't mean to be "hateful" before, but I am OCD about finishing a story, so when you posted the whole thing, I had to read it or it would bother me for hours. Therefore, I felt a little cheated by the fact your story had a part where the villian calls and tells Jeff that he is going to kill him. Trust me we all started at that point, but it helps to follow the rules when you start there.

Posted by Raisedbyswans (Member # 3529) on :

"Explaining yourself" would be nice. I haven't a single clue who the main character (MC) is, where they're at or what's going on in general. All I know is it involves a vamp and a non-buffy the vampire slayer with a dead father and bad case of vendetta egging him on.

Just a personal quip, but I associate British accents with hi-brow, educated English. The person speaking sounds, for lack of a better word "childish". I know I'm stereotyping to the nth degree, but this is one of those rare cases when I think it would improve the story - unless you decided to go completely the other direction and make the speaker a slovenly, construction worker from the bronx with a pinschot for Papst Blue Ribbon, a raccoon tan from wearing safety glasses all day and a wife with hook for hand after being mauled by a bloodsucking space duck billed platypus.

However, I have some spare time, so if you want to send it my way. I'll give the piece a run through.

[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited July 05, 2006).]

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

I'm thinking Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, one slayer plus one British guy=Buffy and Giles. If you aren't going for that association, you might want to be careful.

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

I have to agree with the last post. Its feels, sounds like Buffy the Vampire, maybe a bit of Blade..but it grips the reader right away and shares the history of the story. Change slayer to maybe "avenger" or something...gripping. Yes, professors are usually intelligent and condescending - they know more, so they love to show it. Well done!