To casual passersby it appeared that Sweet John was drowsing in the easy chair on his front porch, his eyelids half closed as he watched the field. For years a camp chair had been anchored in this same spot, but now that Sweet John was nearing his seventy-third year upon this Earth he had felt it incumbent to replace the camp chair with an easy chair from the living room, despite the protestations of his wife, Junie. His justification for this action - which he rejoined whenever scolded that the chair wasn’t waterproof or water resistant or water anything and it didn’t belong on a porch - was that he needed a comfortable seat if he were to maintain his vigilance and have any skylarking success at driving off the interlopers. He did nod off on some sunny afternoons when the breeze was soft and sweet,
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited July 05, 2006).]
Nits:
quote:
To casual passersby it appeared that Sweet John was drowsing in the easy chair on his front porch, his eyelids half closed as he watched the field.
The punctuation would lead me to believe that the second clause was still the impression of the passersby. Try it with a different scene: "To casual passersby it appeared that Dave was eating a peach, his chin dribbling juice as he slurped the flesh." I'd try to make a cleaner separation between reality and the passersby's impressions, maybe by saying something like "but his eyes were scanning his field from behind half-closed eyelids."
quote:
For years a camp chair had been anchored in this same spot, but now that Sweet John was nearing his seventy-third year upon this Earth he had felt it incumbent to replace the camp chair with an easy chair from the living room, despite the protestations of his wife, Junie.
This is a little breathless. I'd make little cuts ("upon this Earth", change "the camp chair" to "it") and move Junie's reaction to the next sentence. (To my ear, it sounds too much like an afterthought designed to introduce her.) If you don't like that, you might consider lengthening the sentence slightly, but using careful punctuation to give little intermediate pauses.
You also might consider rephrasing a little bit to avoid saying "chair" so much -- "easy chair", "camp chair", "camp chair", and "easy chair" in two sentences felt like a little much.
quote:
the chair wasn’t waterproof or water resistant or water anything and it didn’t belong on a porch
I really liked this. I know couples like Junie and Sweet John. You might consider that we don't know whether or not their interactions are affectionate yet, which means the tone is somewhat ambiguous. If that's good, then great, and if not, then maybe there's a way to change it.
Like I said, I like the voice. I'd keep reading. I'd like to know if something's going to happen with this old curmudgeon pretty soon, though.
Regards,
Oliver