Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Seeking readers, fantasy novel, 13 lines

This is topic Seeking readers, fantasy novel, 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by aking (Member # 3722) on :

Hello, I am in the process of writing a novel, actually it is mostly written, but I'm in the process of polishing it and trying to get as much feedback as possible. The first chapter is the most polished, but I have a good four chapters, (about 80 pages single spaced) of readable writing finished. Here are the first 13 lines, and if anyone is interested I would be happy so post more. I’m an amateur writer, but I am hoping with enough feedback I can prepare this for submission to a publisher.... someday. Thank you!

“Mommy, I need to find a wizard.” Celestia saw panic flicker in her mother’s eyes, but it quickly faded.
“Tia, there are no wizards.” Her mother gently explained, calling Celestia by her pet name.
“Why?”
Her mother sighed and looked away. “Magic is gone from the world. Wizards no longer exist. Please, Tia, go to sleep.”
What her mother said didn’t make sense. Magic couldn’t be gone from the world. Perhaps she should tell her mother what she knew. “Mommy, I have magic.”
This time Celestia saw fear in her mother’s eyes. When her mother didn’t respond she decided to continue.

Posted by Stormy (Member # 3714) on :

I like the idea that you have started with here and I think your dialogue is mostly realistic. The only phrase I really have issue with there is “gone from the world”. It just sounds a little too poetic and contrived for her to say out loud like that.

The other thing is that there are some spots that tell us what is happening instead of showing. For example “Celestia saw panic flicker…” What does that panic look like? What is the difference between the panic and the fear? Did her eyes widen or narrow? Was it a quick look or did it linger?
Also consider this: you don’t have to identify it as panic, for us to be able to pick up on what it is. Let the reader draw their own conclusions.

Good luck and if you would like a reader I would be happy to, I’m really curious to see what happens! My email is in my profile.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I like this, too. I would leave off "calling Celestia by her pet name." It could confuse the reader, but I don't think so. It's almost (but not quite)the same as saying "Bob, there are no wizards," his mother gently explained, calling Robert by his pet name.

If you decide it's necessary to point out that Tia is short of Celestia, I think you need to redo the sentence.

I would like to read it, but I'm afraid I don't have the time right now. Can I take get a rain check?

(Edited in an unsuccessful attempt to make UBB code work.)

[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 21, 2006).]

Posted by Second Assistant (Member # 3459) on :

quote:
if anyone is interested I would be happy so post more.

Aking, if anyone expresses an interest in seeing more, you are free to send them as much of your novel as you like, but please don't post more. We like to protect our authors' rights on this site, and if you post too much of your book on a publicly accessible website, the book will be considered, by most publishers, to have already been published.

Posted by aking (Member # 3722) on :

These are great comments Thank you!!

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

A few issues.

“Mommy, I need to find a wizard.”: I want to know immediately why. Don't make me wait. This is, after all, the hook (so far)!

Tia v. Celestia: pick one, for now, I think. Simpler.

"There are no wizards." Not immediately clear. Do they not exist, or have they all ceased to exist?

"Magic is gone from the world." Why? It almost sounds like she wants to explain, but doesn't. If no explanation here, you could say, "There just aren't, any more."

"Mommy, I have magic." Now, that's a great hook. I think you could make it more powerful by making it specific. Maybe Tia levitated something today.

Posted by Charli (Member # 3699) on :

I think it is very interesting. What age reader are you trying to attract? It sounds to me like the audience will be high elementary, 4th or 5th graders. Am I correct?

If so, the length of the book will need to be considered. Though I am not sure just how long that age will read. That is just a thought.

Charli

Posted by aking (Member # 3722) on :

My target age is actually young adult. It sounds like a child's book because the first page and a half, (which is my prologue) takes place during Celestia's child hood. This scene between her and her mother sets up the world and who Celestia is. The rest of the book takes place while Celestia is 19 years old. There are a few sword fighting scenes, and some romance. I actually see this as a series of three books, the first being about 350 pages. As I am writing this I am trying to focus it mostly towards teenagers, nothing to graphic, but more intense than a child's book.
Thanks for the comments!

Posted by Carradee (Member # 3739) on :

Beyond reiterating what's already been said, here is what I have to comment:

Since "Tia" cuts off the beginning of "Celestia," you could easily show it as a nickname by adding an apostrophe to the beginning, which indicates that some of the word's been cut off.

Watch your adjectives and adverbs. They're making it a "tell" rather than a "show." Precise nouns and verbs should carry the story, with the adjectives and adverbs as the seasoning. That will help you avoid such situations as the invisible "panic" and the "Mother gently explained" (which could be replaced by, for example, "Mother's tone was gentle" or other things.)

I hope this is helpful.

-Misti