Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Joey

This is topic Joey in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :

This is a contemporty YA novel. It's more of a preface than a first chapter, but I'll probably call it chapter one to make sure it doesn't get skipped over. Just need crits on these. Thanks.

The sun sat low on the horizon as the last of the little league baseball games dragged into extra innings. The smell of popcorn and hot dogs hung in the hot dusky air. Eight-year-old Malena Davies lay on her side just above the baseball field staring intently at the concessions stand. If only Dad had given her some money.
A clump of clover slid down Malena's golden ringlets and fell in front of her face. Turning to the side, she saw Joey Lingram sitting next to her trying to look innocent. They had spent enough time together that spring that Malena knew he was a relentless tease.
“Stop putting grass in my hair,” Malena said, her eyes flashing.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Although I'm not actually hoooked, I would keep reading. It's a comfortable world, and I think I like the characters.

I would prefer sentence 2, and "The sun sat low on the horizon," to be scrapped. It just doesn't seem like the sort of thing that would be going through Malena's mind, and it doesn't seem like it adds what I would want added.

Posted by Iviron (Member # 3729) on :

I also don't like the 'sun sat low on the horizon' bit of the sentence. My eight year old would probably think about approaching bedtime or TV shows coming on at that time or something. Anyway, not sure that is much help.

In general I guess I am a little confused about the POV and the types of words being used. If everything is coming from her head she probably would not be using words like 'dusky' either. Is this more of an omniscient POV narrator that grabs bits and pieces out of her head? I struggle with this too and I think reading this has helped me. Your narrator should probably not be both. It is confusing. I guess the confusing sentence is 'if only dad had given her some money.' Everything else seems to come from outside of her.

I like the opening and would keep reading. I think you have very adequately described a little girl and made me feel like I was there. I think that you have captured getting the reader emotionally involved, even without a hook of conflict.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I vote to x that too. I don't think a kid would be watching that at a softball game.

Comfortable pace your setting though.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

What about considering it a change of POV at the point where she says, "If only Dad had given her some money?" I think that would have to be in a seperate or the next paragraph. All that follows could come from an eight-year-old. "Relentless tease" might be called into question.

(This is in the form of a question because I really don't know if it work.)

Oh, I don't like the "low on the horizon" sentence either. It sounds cliche' to me, whether an eight-year-old would notice it or not.

(Edited to add the last comment)

[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 26, 2006).]