Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First lines and first post

This is topic First lines and first post - 13 lines of an untitled work in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002189

Posted by Giskard (Member # 3808) on :

Hello, new guy here. Any input about this little something would be greatly appreaciated.
This will a short novel, or atleast a short work. It's unfinished and I don't have that clear of an idea about where it's headed just yet.

quote:

It was his tattos that interested me. Or rather, it was the tatto on his inner arm. Black letters in and unknown alphabet, all curves and tear droplets. I remember there being some tint of gold to it as well, but I know I am remembering that part wrong. It was just thick black curves, and the droplets may have been old blood.
I had walked along the trench and counted corpses for several minutes when I spotted him there, lying face down in the cold earth. The logkeeper must have looked up from his little book of numbers when I stopped counting, for he was holding on to me when I started climbing down into the trench. Watching me wail like a madman on the ground, the logkeeper called for someone to come take care of me.

Thanks

Edit for an annoying spelling error

[This message has been edited by Giskard (edited September 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 13, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I don't follow the action in Paragraph 2. I don't know what a logkeeper is, or why he's holding on to MC, or what MC wails like a madman.

I'd cut some from paragraph 1. I'm interested in that there's a tattoo in an unknown alphabet, all curves and tear droplets, but not in the tint of gold or droplets.

I think it's OK to go for the tattooed man as the hook, but you might cut a bit and still keep it, as in

I had walked along the trench and counted corpses for several minutes when I spotted THE TATTOOED MAN, lying face down in the cold earth. The logkeeper ...

Great hook! I want to know more.

Posted by Rhynedahll (Member # 3856) on :

The first paragraph worked for me as a hook.

It works without a lot of explanation.

The second, however, leaves me with that "lost pages" feeling.

As in, why the devil is he/she doing that?

I would expect to get some information on scene, identity of MC, motivation. Something that keeps me plugged in to the narrative.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

It was his tattoos that interested me. Or rather, it was the tattoo on his inner arm. Black letters in and unknown alphabet, all curves and tear droplets. I remember there being some tint of gold to it as well, but I know I am remembering that part wrong. It was just thick black curves, and the droplets may have been old blood.

Interesting is perhaps the wrong word.

I had been walking along the trench and counting corpses for several minutes when I spotted him there, lying face down in the cold earth. The logkeeper must have looked up from his little book of numbers when I stopped counting.,

[for he was holding on to me when I started climbing down into the trench. Watching me wail like a madman on the ground, the logkeeper called for someone to come take care of me.]-- needs work

I think you should move the bit about the wrong word to before the second paragraph. Its connection with the opening sentence gets lost where you have it now. For me, at least.

I think you also need the progressive form of your verbs as you begin with your pov character. Had been walking…and counting shows continuing action which is what I think you have here. He was doing this and then stopped.

I think I understood what happened next with the logkeeper but it was confusing. A more straightforward narrative, simple sentences might work better. And…the thing that really dropped me out of the story was the wailing on the ground. How did he get “on the ground?” Ground at the bottom of the trench or beside it because the logkepper held him back? And how did your pov go from thinking it was interesting to wailing? That is very unclear.

Well, that’s just my opinion.

And, by the way, really good opening with the tattoo and all. Made me curious about it.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 13, 2006).]

Posted by tortoisefly (Member # 3870) on :

Some great feedback already.
One thing that hasn't been noted is this minor typo:

"Black letters in and unknown alphabet..."
Should read
"Black letters in an unknown alphabet..."

The first three sentences hooked me. The next two less so.

I would read on.

Posted by englshmjr18 (Member # 3906) on :

yeah, you need to get from "intrigued" to "wailing" for this to make sense, and if she's intrigued, that's a great reason for her to start out with the tatoo itself, and it's already about a woman counting corpses, so the wailing may or may not be neccesary. something like :

He had black letters in an unknown alphabet, all curves and tear droplets, tatooed on his inner arm. I remember gold as well, but I know I remember that part wrong. It was just thick black curves, and the droplets may have been old blood.

I was walking along the trench counting corpses, when i saw him, lying face down in the cold earth. The logkeeper must have looked up from his little book of numbers when I stopped, for he was holding on to me when I started climbing down into the trench. He called for someone to take care of me."

you character has a nice voice, and personality in so much self-doubt: "i know i remember that part wrong" "the droplets may have been blood" and "he must have been"

also, i was pleasantly surprised to find she was talking about a dead man; it really doesn't start out that way.