Here's the first 13 lines of my novel. It's from the Prologue. Anyone care to comment?
First Lieutenant Thomas MacAllister’s discovery, that day, would define the rest of his life. Yet, in a way no one could foresee, it would also hasten his death.
He and the few men in the wheelhouse and chartroom of the HMS Norseman expected nothing more than a kill. In the dimly lit rooms, MacAllister sensed it in the way the men looked at him and at each other, the way they had remained toward their consoles through the past hours of their chase.
Forward of MacAllister, Mr. Cowley sat at the asdic. His narrow head was clasped in headphones, and he stared into the circular dial in front of him. When asked for readings, his responses had been quick and terse, despite the prolonged duty. “Depth, two hundred fifty. Target bearing oh-six-oh degrees at two thousand yards.”
Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :
You need to define upfront what the discovery is, you may think you're adding suspense but in fact you're just teasing the reader as per OSC, I tend to agree.
You don't have to go into great detail, something like: First Lieutenant Thomas MacAllister’s discovery of an enormous pink whale, that day... etc
Other than that the narrative reads fine to me, it has the desired tension.
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited September 06, 2006).]
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Agreed regarding the teaser first line... It's sitting there alone and should be removed or detailed more.
There are some verb tense inconsistencies here but other than that the prose is servicable, although "His narrow head was clasped in headphones" sounds awkward to me.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Yeah all that. Also, I'd replace "the men" with Cowley. It's more interesting to me to have a particular person feel/expect/think something, than to have many.
Posted by Ted.O (Member # 3708) on :
Thank you. These comments are all very helpful. But I'm wondering (especially if I adjusted the first line to inform the reader about the discovery), would you continue reading?
Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :
Yes. I would continue to read.
Although I suppose it depends on what he discovered exactly, if it was that he'd left his mobile phone at home, maybe not.
Having said that, I usually reserve judgement on a book for at least a chapter or two.
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited September 07, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited September 07, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I wouldn't. I'm a pretty tough sell these days. I get enough of being confused in real life! Seriously, I might skip down the page to see if it picked up -- that is, if there was something to hook me.
Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :
I liked the way of the read so far...I agree that we ought to see some more about the discovery pretty quickly. Your phrasing of "the way they had remained toward their consoles," is awkward to me....the toward part....didn't make sense..maybe "at their consoles...?"
Seriously, I might skip down the page to see if it picked up -- that is, if there was something to hook me.