Would you keep reading?
Does this set up certain exectations of the world in which he lives?
How might you expect this story to end?
edited for clarity based on suggestions.
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
It makes it a little difficult to give you an appropriate critique without that knowledge. The opener of a short story has to be much more concise than a novel, and whether the story is a murder-mystery, versus a sci-fi novel or fantasy impacts how I view what I read.
Welcome to Hatrack, by the way.
My feedback is that I'm confused. I don't know what is going on. A dashboard is something you find in a car, yet this seems to have some futuristic overtones to it. Why would a car need to dispense lethal gas? I need clarity around the milieu to comprehend the importance of the action, and the MC's choices here. I suspect you've started in the wrong place, but I'm at a bit of a loss to know whether the tale has begun a wee bit too early or too late.
I suggest starting at the point where the MC makes his decision, rather than the actual use of the device. If you let us in on his thoughts and emotional state, we will be more involved with his choice. As it is, I've not had time to build up a feel for the character, or empathize with his situation.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 24, 2006).]
With that in mind, I'll have to ditto Elan when she says this may not be the right place to start.
As for euthinasia in the car, yes it is a car and I think it says so, there are two issues I was addressing: The ever growing environmental concern about exhaust pollution and fossil fuel dependency killing us and the planet, and the popularity of services like On-Star that make us more and more dependant upon them for the least needs, and less dependant on ourselves to do so little as read a map.
I agree, there must be alot packed into a little space in a short story, but there is only so much you can include in 13 lines
And the main character does not make a decision, he is mildly annoyed that the service has been malfunctioning and like so many of us puts off getting it fixed until some later date. In the next lines he is walking across the parking lot.
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
Also, it doens't make sense to build this into a car. Why not have a standalone unit?
These things woudl be a stretch even if the story is comedy. (If it is comedy, make us laugh in the first paragraph or so, so we'll know what to expect, I think.)
This is not a story about suicide. It is in the first paragraph to establish something about the MC's personality, and all of our personality's, and the world he lives in. The fact that it is absurd is the point and establishes the satire of the direction society can go when extremists are in charge. Do we all brush after every meal? Never eat junk food (seen "Supersize Me"??)? Change our oil every three months or three thousand miles, whichever comes first? There are myriad things we procrastinate, and this is so commonplace in his world, and to him that he simply puts it off.
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
Do those 13 lines make you question, and want to look for answers about the man in them, or the world they happen in, or what will happen next with his car? Are you intrigued at all?
hw_paterson, welcome. It's always nice to see a new face. Since you're new, you probably aren't familiar with how we offer feedback, and the kinds of things we have discussed around here. Searching past threads and participating in current ones will serve you very well. Let me assure you that no one is judging you, and every single person here is interested in helping you improve your writing as well as their own.
That said, usually wbriggs is the one to do this, but...
Recommended reading:
Arguing with critiques
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/001622.html
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html
Didn't we just have this 'establishing shot' conversation with another newbie? I can't find it for some reason, or I'd link to that as well.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 24, 2006).]
You might benefit from reading these posts:
Please Read Here First
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000003.html
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it isn't enough http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html
Just tell me
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html
Arguing With Critiques
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/001622.html
The only proper responses to a critique are: "Thank you," or "Could you clarify for me what you mean?"
It is counter-productive to get defensive, or explain your point of view, and the posts I’ve noted go into more detail about why.
The bare essence of the F&F is to tell you if your first 13 is being effective at hooking us in and making us want to read more. You’ve asked if your readers are intrigued at all, based on the first 13 you’ve given us. When you read between the lines of what’s being posted, the answers you seem to be getting back are telling you "No, not really." The reasons given are: "This is too confusing" and "the setting doesn't seem plausible or logical."
These are issues you need to address if you are going to hook the reader in to your story. It’s a big jump between the story you have in your brain, and the story your readers are gathering from your written words. It’s the job of the writer to cross that chasm and answer the reader’s questions swiftly enough to keep their interest engaged. We’re just telling you where the gaps in communication are.
Fortunately, you added some links I didn't think of, so I forgive you...this time, muwahaha!
The answers to questions in a critique should be provided in the rewrite of the work, not in a discussion of the feedback.
Edited to add that I discuss this in "Responding to Feedback"
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000003.html
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 25, 2006).]
quote:
Fortunately, you added some links I didn't think of, so I forgive you...this time, muwahaha!
Yeah, the reason it took me so long to post was because I was scratching my head trying to remember what the NAME was of those dratted posts Will always cites so I could find the links in a SEARCH. I decided to copy the links into a WORD document so I can find them next time we go through this again with another new member... which, according to the average, should be in about another five minutes or so...
quote:I cheated. I just searched for any posts by Will in F&F, went to the most recent ones, and copied his own text by "editing" his posts. Plagarism is the highest form of flattery, right? Oh wait, that was imitation...
Yeah, the reason it took me so long to post was because I was scratching my head trying to remember what the NAME was of those dratted posts Will always cites so I could find the links in a SEARCH.
quote:Tell me about it. Wouldn't it be nice if the forum prevented new members from posting their own fragment right away? Not because it's annoying (because it's not, at least not to me), but because they always feel hurt or insulted or confused by feedback because they haven't learned how things work around here. I don't like to see people feel bad. Oh well.
I decided to copy the links into a WORD document so I can find them next time we go through this again with another new member... which, according to the average, should be in about another five minutes or so...
Didn't mean to highjack the thread.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 25, 2006).]
<sigh!>
There's a quote I can't place, even with a search engine's help. It's an editor hearing a writer explain what he meant, and the editor points to his ear and says, "Don't tell me here"; then he points to the MS and says, "Tell me here!"
Can anyone place this?
--
And, yes, I'm flattered!