Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Spirit Sword

This is topic Spirit Sword in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

“Hello Melkar,” a tall figure stood shadowed by the Howling Moon, the identity known immediately Melkar, “A pleasure as always, Blaxus sends his regards”

Melkar looked around and the shadows of the fire encircled him, his eyes opened wide, and a short distance away lay his sword, “Damn you, may Niren curse your name for enternity”

“He already has, it ends now” the shadowy figure spoke some indecipherable words and the shadows swallowed the brave warrior. Melkar struggled and fought, but was overcome by the darkness. The figure cackled evilly as he absorbed the energies.

The figure cast a minor spell and walked over to the sword. The swords power was ancient and still he could not touch it, he needed a pawn. Saren would do, he would do anything to find his

Fantasy, 1000+ words, interesting? Still in progress..comments welcome

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 24, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I think you've got to get punctuation and grammar things fixed. Comma splices are a no-no (see Strunk & White or some other guide).

That makes it difficult enough to follow. Beyond that, I have trouble keeping the names fixed (who is "the figure"?), and I don't know what's happening -- how Melkar knows the figure, who Blaxus or Niren is, or what the nature of magic power is in this world.

You dip very slightly into Melkar's POV, but then (I think) you switch over to the figure -- better to stick with one POV per scene.

Those are my thoughts.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

Ditto.

Here's a link to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, which wbriggs suggested. I also highly recommend it.

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 24, 2006).]