Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rewrite

This is topic Rewrite - Chap 1 YA Fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

This is a minor rewrite of an earlier post -- chapter 1, first 13. I would love readers for my first 5,000 words -- the prologue and chapter 1. Will anybody read?
Thanks...
DJ

When the white limo pulled in front of Jack Abraham’s ramshackle trailer outside Aspen, it was just before midnight. Jack frowned as he pushed a strand of hair out of his face and folded his arms over his chest. He probably shouldn’t receive guests in his boxer shorts, but anyone stupid enough to drop by this late deserved it. Besides, he knew only one family preposterous enough to send a limo to a trailer park. His.

Jack wondered about it later. If he hadn’t chosen to leave his own twentieth birthday party early, he would have missed the visitation entirely. Of course, his actual birthday was a few days off, but he would be gone then.

The limo door opened. A polished little man he knew only as Winston emerged.

[This message has been edited by djh (edited October 15, 2006).]

Posted by kinh (Member # 2772) on :

"Jack frowned as he pushed a strand of hair out of his face and folded his arms over his chest. He probably shouldn’t receive guests in his boxer shorts, but anyone stupid enough to drop by this late deserved it."

Alot of this seems like wasted gesture. The frown would make more sense in reference to the guests he obviously anticipates coming out of the limo. Wearing boxers could be a thumbing of his nose at the bourgois attitude of his family members as well. Make his contempt for the family more palpable, and give that contempt a basis.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I don't have time to read, but this seems much improved over your previous draft. It is clear, sets the tone, and makes me curious as to what is to come. Good job on the revision!

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

It flows alright and I agree that the crossing of the arms might be a wasted gesture. My question is the 2nd para, the first sentence sticks out.."Jack wondered about it later.." - the limo, his family or what..maybe I missed something. Is it in reference to the fact that he will be leaving in 2 days?

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

DJH

This is a novel right?

I'm working on one too.
It's hard to get readers for the whole thing.

Maybe we could swap chunks.

What do you think?

Most of my chapters are only 1000-2000 words a piece.

Regardless of whether you want to do that or not, send me the file and I'll read it. My problem right now is that i have multiple projects with simultaneous deadlines so I will have trouble giving it a thorough thrashing until after November 7.

PS: I think you will find that F&F is not the best spot to workshop an opening for a novel. It's okay, and will help tighten your focus, but it is aimed more at short stories. I think novel readers give a writer a page or two (or three or five) before they form an opinion.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 15, 2006).]

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

DJ, is this the same story you were going to send to me? I'm still happy to look at it if you want to send it along.

Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

Yes, this is a young adult novel, the first in a series of 3 or 4 (haven't decided how long yet) -- I'm about 3/4 through the first draft of book 1. Thanks for all the great responses.

Hoptoad, I'd love to swap off with you. I've gotten some great feedback here and it really has helped tighten my opening. I have to send off my first 5,000 words for a critiquing workshop by Oct. 31, so I'm trying to get some helpful feedback before then -- don't want to embarass myself too badly! Could you give it a cursory look before then for any blatant problems or maybe just review the first 1,000? Regardless, I'd like to exchange and I'll send the whole chunk now.

Sojoyful -- Yes, this is the same. I sent the prologue earlier this week and put "Hatrack" in the tagline like you suggested. I'll send again, with the chapter one. Thank you so much.

If anyone will look at a smaller bite, say 1,000 words, that would be great. Elan, would you have time then? Your feedback has been particularly helpful to me.

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I'll give it a quick once-over.

That's my home email, so I'll look when I get home tonight.

(ps: cool )

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

DJ, I found your latest email. My spam filter has a grudge against you, I think. I'll read and get back to you as soon as I can, considering it's a midterm week.

Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

Midterms first! I won't be held responsible... I'm sending up a prayer now for your "original brain" to function in high gear.(No brain/consciousness transfers allowed.) Many thanks for whenever you can get to it.