Raithe walked with slow, measured steps back to the temple. His head tilted down as if it were too heavy for his wrist thin neck. He self-consciously tugged at the front of his hood, tucking his stringy white hair beneath it and ensuring it hid as much of his face as possible. The market vendors glanced at him nervously as they set up shop for the day. A wave of silence walked with him, subsiding only when people thought he was out of earshot. He knew the tales spun at his expense in the local tavern. The staring and whispers he could handle. Looking like the walking dead was bound to stir up a little village like Plow. Superstition, magic and curses were real to these small town folks.

And here I am, thought Raithe, living proof that they're right.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 19, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 20, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 20, 2006).]
 

I think I am starting in the wrong place. At this point there may be too much you need to know.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 20, 2006).]
 

More to the point, is Raithe actually feared by the adults of the community?

There are some very minor technical issues, a missing comma here, an out of POV observation there, but overall my hang-up is the question above. I think that this is a fine place to start, if you take out the bully, which just doesn't make any sense and breaks me out of the development thus far.
 

Thanks for the comments Survivor. I was hoping to hear from you. I made a couple alterations on the original post. The link above is to the magic system I intend to introduce.

Scott

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 20, 2006).]
 

If it is important to the beginning of the story that Raithe isn't accepted by the villagers, then this is a good place to start. I suppose that his musing about "these small town folks" might foreshadow a decision to seek out a more tolerant society in a city or perhaps a university of some kind (a school for "soulcasters", perhaps). Which would make an interesting story. That story would logically begin with being shown why he wants to leave the village, and this scene is a good way to accomplish it.

Still think that you need a comma between "slow" and "measured" (partly for the stylistic impact of making that sentence slow and measured, partly for grammar) and that you should recast the second sentence with better POV, but both of those are very minor nits.
 

I'll take your advise about starting a new post for the rewrites next time.

I definately see the improvement between the first version and the current. I am still unsure about this as the start point though.

The MC is a ward of the temple due to the death of his mother and possibly his father. They were killed by a soulcaster. His mother was pregnant at the time. She was also a soulcaster. She used her last bit of life charge to shield the baby in her womb. Raithe lived but was not ordinary, not even for a soulcaster. Death energy grew in him as well as life. That is why he looks like the walking dead. Part of the conflict will be that nobody truely knows what will happen to him once he reaches adulthood.

I was thinking perhaps the attack of his mother and father may be a better place to start although that information can be given later, when he seeks answers from the priest that found him.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 20, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 22, 2006).]
 

Scott
 

I do have a question for you guys about the opening. Raithe is a boy of maybe 13 years. When I read the first 12 I dont see that. I dont want to give the reader a clear picture of the MC in the first paragraph and then have them re-imagine the character in the next. So I was thinking about changing a line.

Looking like the walking dead was bound to stir up a little village like Plow.

to

Looking like the walking corpse of a 13 year old boy was bound to stir up a little village like Plow.

what do you think?

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 22, 2006).]
 

Scott

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 22, 2006).]
 

In any case, his age per se isn't really that important just yet, because he's not a normal 13 year old. What is important is that he compares himself with other kids of about that age, or that he's approaching some important milestone like his coming of age ceremony or whatever. Whenever you want to tell us something, ask yourself why it matters and then put it in that context.

As for reading, I can do a chapter sometime.
 

That said, if you ever need it, I'll be happy to read more. There were a few technalities I noticed in the sentence structure that could be fixed, but they were just minor things.
 

Once I have a chapter or two I will be sure to send it to you. I really appreciate it.