Fyodor idly ran his hand through his thick, unruly, rust coloured hair. It was his wedding day and all he could think was, where was his father? Any minute now and the music would start and veronika would come down the aisle. His eyes returned, as if drawn by a magnet, to the empty seat between his mother and his brother. Surely his father wasn't going to miss this the realization of all his plans. How many hours spent negotiating, how much money spent, how many concessions made in the Council, had his father invested so that his son could inherit leadership of both his Clan and Veronika's? Fyodor tried to distract himself by looking around the other guests. There were the members of the Council, Heads of the Clan's. His eyes met Lina's and she smiled at him. He returned
[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited January 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited January 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited January 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2007).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I definitely get it. My feeling is sadness for Fyodor and even more for Veronika: not because Dad won't be there, but because Fyodor's about to marry Veronika and all he can think about is his father. Doesn't bode well for their marriage.
The fact that now I'm thinking about the story, not the difficulty in seeing it, means we got a big improvement here.
I could be interested. As is, I'm not sure I quite get the character -- that is, I know he's obsessed with Dad's absence, but I don't know why. I'd say: tell us, and drive it up our noses just how weird his priorities are. (Or if they aren't, drive up our noses whatever they actually are.)
Oh, yeah, and I totally forgot about the axe, because it wasn't mentioned again and I don't understand why he has it. He does -- tell us.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 18, 2007).]
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
I'm glad you can see the marriage won't work, as the story develops he has a conflict in himself between the arranged marriage to a woman he respects but doesn't love and the woman who he probably does love but never got to pursue as he was promised to the arranged one.
"I could be interested. As is, I'm not sure I quite get the character -- that is, I know he's obsessed with Dad's absence, but I don't know why. I'd say: tell us, and drive it up our noses just how weird his priorities are. (Or if they aren't, drive up our noses whatever they actually are.)"
The point i'm trying to put across here is that he is close to his father and his father has made this match for his (fyodor's) benefit. Also as he is about to find out his father has died in an accident I want to build up to him finding this out. The change in fyodor's life is his new role in a community he has lived in for 50 years. As a new husband and new leader he is suddenly responsible for thousands of people including his new wife.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Don't keep jerking the characterization around just because he's not testing out as "likeable". You'll just end up not having any internal consistency, he'll become an obvious "plot puppet". Or rather, in this latest version he already had become that.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Also, please don't post "the next section." The 13-line limit does not mean 13 lines per post. It means 13 lines per story.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
oops sorry
Posted by Chaldea (Member # 4707) on :
Hi Max,
When I read 'ceremonial axe' it jumped off the page and grabbed me by the throat. Yikes, I thought, an axe murderer. Maybe it's just me being weird. Maybe a ceremonial sword?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'd say, the things you told in your last post -- not what's GOING to happen, but what's already true -- tell us those up front. They're interesting, and they make Fyodor comprehensible.
Such as: as soon as Veronika is mentioned, I want to know that he'd rather marry someone else, but he has to marry her. Because of Dad? That's gruesome, and interesting.
Check out The Silver Metal Lover by Tanith Lee -- you can find the first page or so on the web -- it's ostensibly about a girl who fell in love with a robot, but you can see in paragraph 1 (though the girl doesn't come out and say it): major Mother problems.
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
I didn't read the earlier versions, but this looks like a solid beginning to me. Good luck with it.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
I realize mentioning the axe was a mistake! I just wanted to start with a physical action to show he was distracted/preoccupied. When he gets to the point of fighting he uses an axe so I thought he might have a decorational one he wore for special occasions. It wasn't meant to be a focal point so probably didn't belong in the first paragraph I guess.
Thanks again for the comments it has really helped, posting on this site to, to give me an idea of the priorities when writing the beginning.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I didn't read the first version.
I didn't have a problem with the axe, because it's ceremonial. It helps establish the tribal setting, and since I immediately see that it's his wedding day, I assume it's part of the ceremonial tribal garb. I didn't read it as anything other than fidgeting.
I also don't have a real sense that his marriage is in trouble. It's an arranged marriage, but those have been around for millenia; and even the groom at a modern wedding would be anxious if his father didn't show up to his wedding. This doesn't seem out of line. The details about the arranged marriage sound like a rationalization on Fyodor's part, and it provides a nice way to get across backstory, characterize the father, and characterize Fyodor -- all without an infodump. Not bad at all.
All of that means that wbriggs's comment: "Such as: as soon as Veronika is mentioned, I want to know that he'd rather marry someone else, but he has to marry her. Because of Dad? That's gruesome, and interesting." is all the more relevant. That would give you two sources of tension: unhappiness from the arranged marriage, and the missing father.
Nits, not counting the obvious spelling, punctuation, etc. stuff:
> all he could think about was, where was his father?
I'd drop "about".
> veronika would be coming down the aisle.
"would come"
> How many hours... Veronika's.
This is a question that ends in a period. Some people say that's okay, but I generally don't like it.
I feel like the second paragraph is essentially redundant.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
I didn't originally intend for Fyodor to be unhappy about the wedding until later in the story. He sees it as good idea as he is brought up to believe in doing things for good of clan. At this point he is not conflicted. Although he has been close to another girl growing up he always assumed it wasn't a possibilty.The character development i'm going for is: He comes to realise that him as a person and his personal intereaction with people is more important than his role as a leader. And as the story develops he is forced into close proximity with the girl he liked growing up and he starts to see the hardships of an arranged marriage. In the end circumstances mean that his wife leaves him and by the end of the story he is with the girl he likes but I'm hoping to keep a sense of suspense as to which one he will end up with throughout at least half of the story. I'm now considering putting in the sugestions made about him being less than happy about getting married to veronika as i can see how it would arouse interest. But would like advice as to whether the line I was going to use would work. The technical advice is also useful as I'm always learning how to improve that side of my writing. thank you again for all the help
I've changed the second paragraph so I can refer to the girl he actually likes. I've tried to convey hs acceptance of the way things work, and therefore acceptance that he can't marry who he wants to. She is actually of a diferent species (one that lives close to and intereacts with his) do i need to mention that (in more detail than calling her a 'Seoce') at this point?
[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited January 20, 2007).]
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
As a result of all the help I got on here I've got first couple of chapters down on paper and I was wondering if anybody would be prepared to check them over and give their opinion please?