As it sets, I'm definately not hooked. It's taking the long way of saying that your MC is bored.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 22, 2007).]
Posted by vanessa71 (Member # 5237) on :
I'm going to agree with what the previous poster said.
What boy?
You mention the boy, which gets my attention, but then you don't say anything else about him. Who's the boy? Why is he special?
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I was also wondering what boy. LOL The main reason is I wasn't sure if it was the boy driving home from a party or Asher.
Meanwhile, what IS it with you guys (not you, joelman, though that remains to be seen...) and blood and guts and gore? LOL
Goodness, the mayhem!
Posted by joelman42 (Member # 5226) on :
Thanks everybody. In my head, "the boy" is supposed to be "the hook." I'm trying to introduce the MC, who, admittedly, leads a pretty boring existence until the beginning of the story, and at the same time, make the readers wonder about what's coming next. Could that possibly work?
I skimmed through OSC's How to write SF and Fantasy last year, and at one point, he uses a book called "Wild Seed" as an example. That book (which I haven't read) starts out something like, "Doro met the woman when he had gone to check on one of his seed villages that had been destroyed." If I remember right, the woman isn't mentioned again for a few paragraphs. I think I was unconsciously imitating that sentence.
Or am I just completely wrong? 
Should I get the action going right away, and explain who Asher is later?
PS: KayTi, I try not to do too much mayhem. And I see your point about pronoun confusion. How about, “The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving…”
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
If you want to write like Octavia Butler, you have to read her work. Wild Seed is an excellent novel. She does have a hook, she talks about the seed village. That caught my attention. You can't imitate her writing if you haven't read her. Not that you should. If you try to imitate style, it's going to be crap. You have to be unique. But if it's her TECHNIQUE you're looking for, go read it. Wonderful novel.
Matt
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
quote:
"Doro met the woman when he had gone to check on one of his seed villages that had been destroyed." If I remember right, the woman isn't mentioned again for a few paragraphs.
More importantly, she didn't go on to say that he was bored roaming in his seed village, and he knew everyone, etc. After mentioning the woman, Octavia Butler goes on to describe what--of relevancy--had happened to the village. And Doro was the antagonist, which was also revealed by Butler's use of PoV.
That's why I said:
The first time Asher saw the boy, it was on the way home from a party. A stranger stood out in the village of four-hundred people, like a car wreck. ...and get something exciting going.
Don't get me wrong, you take us into his PoV, but--for me--it's not where I want to be.
Posted by joelman42 (Member # 5226) on :
Thanks again everybody. (And hopefully I will read Wild Seed soon, but I have about five other books on my desk to tackle first.) I skip right into the action in this version:
The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving home from a party in his red Chevy. The boy was just standing in the middle of the one-lane road, looking at him. He seemed to have come out of nowhere. He was short, gaunt, maybe eleven years old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher took this all in rather fast, because he had to swerve to avoid hitting him. It was a rainy night, and the truck started spinning. For a second, Asher worried that the truck might hit the fence of a nearby house. Fortunately, it stopped spinning and came to rest about twenty feet past the boy. Asher swore and jumped out of the truck. “What in the heck do you think you’re doing, kid?” he yelled. The boy stared back at him with a deep urgency in his eyes. He started to move his lips.
[This message has been edited by joelman42 (edited March 23, 2007).]
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
( Edit) this goes with the first version - have to love posting at the same time as it's being revised.
)Joelman, welcome.
You have a great example of why full omni is so hard to do. Yes you can do it. Yes, it is difficult to do well. The first line of your story is a tease. At that point we are willing to go around with you at least a few lines. The problem is after hinting that something is about to happen, nothing does. You start with a hook but can't land the catch. We wriggle off.
Something like:
The first time Asher saw the boy, he was driving home from a Friday night party in his red Chevy. Steamboat was not a large town and Asher knew everyone in it, some more intimately than others. Even with the novelty of a new face, Asher forgot about him as he suffered his usual post-party blues. It wasn't until . . .
Is a bit more compelling, but not perfect. I tend to dislike full omni where the author intrudes to say, "we didn't know it at the time but . . " because it is jarring and very few authors can do it well. I like the ability to delve into multiple characters thoughts though. Every POV choice has trade offs and challenges.
If you are going full omni, do it. If you are in Asher's POV, tell me why Asher notices/cares so I can. I don't need to be dragged into Asher's musings that his life is boring. Trust me, if you tell the story right, the reader will figure it out.
Check out some full omni works. Also read "Wild Seed."
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited March 23, 2007).]
Posted by vanessa71 (Member # 5237) on :
The second draft is much better. It focuses on the boy, which is the driving interest when you first lead in.
quote:
He seemed to have come out of nowhere.
One of my big failings is passive vs. active voice, but I think this is passive. I think that
He came out of nowhere would work just as well.
quote:
He was short, gaunt, maybe eleven years old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher took this all in rather fast, because he had to swerve to avoid hitting him.
Something about this feels and reads awkward to me, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe someone else can, or I can come back to it.
Posted by joelman42 (Member # 5226) on :
Falcon, at the risk of sounding stupid, what is "full omni"?
Vanessa, that part feels a little awkward to me too. I might have to reword that.
I'll be out of town for the next few days, so I might get not get back to this for a while. Thanks again, all!
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Full omni refers to a type of point of view: full omniscient.
Omniscient point of view means you are letting the reader see the story in the capacity of knowing everything every character is thinking. It's hard to do well because modern readers are more likely to be confused by it. It's better to give a reader one person's head at a time (per scene) to see into.
I'll have to make sure there is a list of links to point of view discussions in the FAQ (frequently asked questions) area.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Not a stupid question.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Clear exposition; good.
IMJ the problem isn't that you mention the boy. Wild Seed: yes. If you keep your promises, we'll get to the boy later.
But what's going on before we meet the boy isn't interesting. (Even the MC is bored.) With Wild Seed, we were immediately faced with the genocidal destruction of a village, human corpses, and Doro's bizarre reaction to it all. We just need Asher's story to be interesting, right now.
Note: this was the first version. Now I've read the 2nd version. I'm still wondering what's the hook for this story. What's Asher going to be struggling with?
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 23, 2007).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Here's my take on the new version:
quote:
The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving home[, in the rain] from a party in his [red<---necessary?] Chevy. The boy was just [standing<--weakened verb and questions tense] in the middle of the [one-lane<--suggest alternate] road[, looking at him<---necessary?]. He [seemed to have come<---came?] out of nowhere. He was [a] short, gaunt, [maybe<--Is he or, isn't he?] eleven year[s<--not needed] old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher [took this all in rather fast, because he<---necessary?] had to swerve to avoid hitting him. [planted in the first line--->It was a rainy night,] [and<--no longer needed] [T]he truck started [to]spin [weakens verb--->ning]. [For a second,<---needed?] Asher worried that the truck might hit [the<--replace with-->a nearby] fence [of a nearby house<--no longer needed]. Fortunately, it stopped [spinning and came to rest<---needed?] about twenty feet past the boy. Asher swore and jumped out of the truck.“What in the heck do you think you’re doing, kid?” he [yelled<---replace with--->said (if we can't tell he's yelling, it needs to be worded better)].
The[re was urgency in the] boy['s] [stared back at him with a deep urgency in his<---unneccessary] eyes.