Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 of Prologue

This is topic First 13 of Prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002531

Posted by Randall K (Member # 5363) on :

Here is my first 13. The only person to review the prologue has been my literature professor. If you would like to review the entire prologue please let me know. It is only one page (around 350 words) and sets the stage for the setting of the novel. I think the meat of it occurs just after the 13 lines which could be my first mistake if I haven't grabbed your attention before then.

It is not known who created 'The Path'. Many believe that an ancient, highly advanced civilization constructed the galactic interstellar highways with unimaginable technological power, expanding their empire across the galaxy before moving on.
Some believe it was the gods themselves who used their infinite power to connect the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Several civilizations have taken to religion to explain the path because no technologies have proved sufficient enough to open the portals.
One of the religious sects believe the ancient founders of the path were the gods’ chosen people and therefore were given by divine right the means to open the gateways to the galaxy...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I would keep reading. Minor quibbles.

It is not known who created 'The Path'. Many believe that an ancient, highly advanced civilization constructed the galactic interstellar highways with [unimaginable] ADVANCED [I'm not sure what's unimagineable!] technological power, expanding their empire across the galaxy before moving on. [Why moving on?]

Some believe it was the gods themselves who used their infinite power to connect the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Several civilizations have taken to religion to explain the path because no technologies have proved sufficient enough to open the portals.[In that case, how do we know they're portals? Also, has any atheist really taken to religion because of an unexplained physical phenomenon?]

One of the religious sects believe the ancient founders of the path were the gods’ chosen people and therefore were given by divine right the means to open the gateways to the galaxy...

--
Just minor quibbles. I will wonder if you *need* a prolog; most books don't. I'll email you.

Posted by joelman42 (Member # 5226) on :

I'm intrigued so far, Randall. It sounds like you have a pretty cool concept. wbriggs asked where the advanced civilization "moved on" to; I don't know what you have planned for your story, but that could be part of the mystery. I'd be willing to read the rest of the prologue.

Posted by Kazuo (Member # 5374) on :

It is not known (1) who created 'The Path'. Many believe that an ancient, highly advanced civilization constructed the galactic interstellar highways with unimaginable technological power, expanding their empire across the galaxy before moving on. (2)
Some believe it was the gods themselves who used their infinite power to connect the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Several civilizations have taken to religion to explain the path because no technologies have proved sufficient enough to open the portals. (3)
One of the religious sects believe the ancient founders of the path were the gods’ chosen people and therefore were given by divine right the means to open the gateways to the galaxy...

(1) “It is not known who…” is passive. The sentence would be stronger if you changed it to something active, like “No one knows who,” or just take out that first sentence all together. The rest of the paragraph implies that no one knows, because there are so many theories about it.
(2) You have several phrases that could be replaced with one strong verb, or a trimming of the sentence. For example, the second sentence could be “Many believe that an ancient civilization created the interstellar highways, expanding their empire across the galaxy before moving on.”
(3) This paragraph is muddled. “Others civilizations believe the gods themselves built…”

You have an interesting opening here. Several things that caught my attention were
(1) The potential conflict between those with the divine right, and the others who will envy that right.
(2) The conflict between religion and secular explanations. I suppose both have proof for what they believe?
Like wbriggs said, I wonder if you need this prologue. Is this all information that the read needs to know? And if so, could it be dispersed gradually throughout the story?

If the book is mostly about this civilization, then you should consider whether or not you want to write about something so uninvolved emotionally. There is always the danger of it reading like a history text.

I would read beyond this, but if I found that the book was about the history of an ancient race, and not about specific people, then I would put it down. But that might be my preference. After all, I put down Asimov’s Foundation trilogy.

Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :

Works for me...just a matter of refinement and rephrasing, I'd say, maybe downplaying the "advanced powers" bit.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:
It is not known who created 'The Path'. Many believe that an ancient, highly advanced civilization constructed the galactic interstellar highways[. If you don't end here, I begin to drift. IMHO: skip with and continue with They used] unimaginable technological power [cut-->,] expanding their empire across the galaxy[,] before moving on.
Some believe [needed?-->it was] the gods [needed?--> themselves who] used their infinite power to connect the farthest reaches of the galaxy. [from this point on, it seems that you are redefining your first sentence. If you are going to investigate The Path from a religious PoV, IMHO, you should do so from the beginning -- and from a believer's perspective.] Several civilizations have taken to religion to explain the path because no technologies have proved sufficient enough to open the portals.
One of the religious sects believe the ancient founders of the path were the gods’ chosen people and therefore were given by divine right the means to open the gateways to the galaxy...

It is an interesting concept, and I would be interested in reading more. However, I would be more interested if I was seeing it through one of the Chosen's perspective. Even more so, if the PROTAGONIST was learning the history of it, for the first time.

Posted by gag01001 (Member # 5367) on :

I am intriged to learn what the main topic of this story is. As a prologue, I am assuming that the main body will be about a lower-level of technology that those who created "The Path" yet have more than we do today. It remind me of the Indian ruins of the Southwest and Mexico.

Posted by asarii (Member # 5388) on :

nice opening indeed. might want to cool it down a little by using less adjectives and descriptive speech. dont want to burn out the reader this early in the story!

the things that stayed with me were:
1. 'the gods moved on' - this gives them a universal, all powerful feel
2.who is talking? and who are they talking to? who is receiving this info? if it is just an info dump might want to turn it into an old person telling a young, or a teacher telling a student - or somethign liek that.