Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Simple Song (7400 words, fantasy)

This is topic A Simple Song (7400 words, fantasy) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Its finished for now - I think there is areas in the story that I further expand on, but for now - it's done. That being said, is the story interesting? Does it make you want to read further?
Would anyone like to read/crit the whole thing? Here it goes!

The crowd cheered and hailed the new Queen, “All hail Gweyne the Fair! Gweyne the Gentle!”

Gweyne turned to look at Helios and saw that his eyes were tearing, “My love this is a happy occasion, why do you cry?”

Helios blinked his eyes and smiled widely, “I cry because before I met you my heart was empty. Now it is so full of love, so full of joy – all this is thanks to you”, he kisses her hand, “My Queen”

The King and Queen turned and walked back into the room. King Helios saw his brother, and Captain of the Guards, standing beside Lady Mindal. He waved as he spoke, “Is there to be

[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited May 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2007).]

Posted by Antinomy (Member # 5136) on :

Tman. Without a doubt you busted your hump putting this story together and I commend you for hanging in there. But, you know, people get married everyday and the first 13 seemed like just another one of those daily events. Frankly, there is no hook. None.

I suggest another look of the first page of the manuscript, find a more enticing beginning paragraph and then swap it with the wedding scene without losing its importance.

I may be wrong but I think this change will improve chances of getting readers to sign up.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I agree, this sounds more like an EPILOGUE than a beinning. It looks like the next line's going to read..."...and they lived happily ever after."

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

I was going to say the exact same thing as the others pointed out.

quote:
The crowd cheered and hailed the new Queen, “All hail Gweyne the Fair! Gweyne the Gentle!”

My suggestion would be to start here, then give us a hook.

I will read it for you, but I wont get around to it until late next week if that's ok.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Whatever your conflict is, you need to move it up to your first paragraph.

I like what you've got and I gotta hunch all this needs is a bit of re-arranging. I'd be more than happy to read the rest of it as the first paragraph is well constructed.

Send it on..

Posted by Amy Treadwell (Member # 5434) on :

To me this would be stronger if you used 3rd person limited- in other words, get into one of your character's heads. For example, the king's pov: his heart beating, Gweyne's exquisite neck, the ministers lurking in the background, kingdom waiting on bated breath... he lifted the veil.

Give us a gut-level connection and we'll read on.

Also consider: are they just meeting? Have they known each other for years? Is this a desperately awaited day or the rushed, uncertain result of a political alliance?

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

I found the beginning very dry myself - especially when I read it aloud. It sounded very dry - I like the idea to start off with hailing the queen.

I will send it to those who ask, and at the same time I think I can expand several portions in the story (as suggested characters, story-lines etc). It just feels unfinished and somewhat rushed to finish.

Thanks all for your comments!

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Nits - shouldn't it be "a picturesque" or is this one of those "an historic" kinds of uses of the article "an"?

Cupped her hand? This imagery didn't work for me. Clasped, yes. Grabbed, yes. Held, yes. caressed, yes. a bunch of other things, yes. but when you used cupped, I expected him to be cupping her chin in his hand for another big smackeroo.

I would split up the "gweyne was wearing" sentence into two, or stick in a comma - it's long.

"King Helios could not look away" - you could probably do something pretty nifty here with an image - "King Helios' eyes remained plastered on..." (terrible image, but trying to illustrate the point and that's the first thing that came to mind, LOL) KH was unable to tear his gaze from his beloved. Cliche, but you get the idea. KH's eyes saw only his beautiful bride. etc.

I'm particularly aware of adverbs tonight, so forgive me for being adverb police - but you've got "glowed radiantly" and "delicately traced" and "gently pulled" in close confines to one another. The imagery works, but I am trying in my work to see if there are other ways to communicate my point beyond just the "ly" words. Sometimes there are, sometimes there aren't, and of course adverbs are necessary.

But example: "and with a gentle tug, pulled her towards him." or "her face glowed like a thousand setting suns." - yes, I'm waxing poetic tonight too. Just some idea-generators for you.

Good luck with this piece. I do think it's going places!

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

I just changed the first 13, better or worse?

Posted by Amy Treadwell (Member # 5434) on :

I think this is better.

Q: Did you mean to repeat the first line? I wouldn't.

To me the dialogue between King and Queen is a little stiff- it sounds like they're just meeting, not in love--but then why the tears? The most interesting part for me was the brother who blushes. What's up with him? Was he supposed to get married? That could be your hook.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

The crowd cheered and hailed the new Queen, “All hail Gweyne the Fair! Gweyne the Gentle!”
Gweyne turned to look at Helios and saw that his eyes were tearing, “My love[,] this is a happy occasion[. W]hy do you cry?” [I think that a king would appear weak to weep before an audience.]
Helios blinked his eyes and smiled widely, “I cry because[,] before I met you my heart was empty. Now it is so full of love, so full of joy – all this is thanks to you”, he kiss[ed] her hand, “My Queen[.]”
The King and Queen turned and walked back into the room. King Helios saw his brother, [Name here,] and Captain of the Guards[,<--unneeded] standing beside Lady Mindal. He waved as he spoke, “Is there to be another wedding today?”
Fren's face reddened, “Not today, dear brother, for this day is yours and the Queens!”, he bowed deeply, “Don't you two have more important...

Again, there's no hook. There's nothing compelling enough to make me go on. What conflict, danger, or indescision do they face? What's the problem?

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 26, 2007).]

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

That's just it, the kingdom has been lulled asleep by the wedding - meanwhile, a kingdom King Raynos plots on ways to weaken Helios (he sends in his spy Vexxer to determine where to strike)...I am beginning to think that this story is becoming bigger.

The copying process was done in error - the second line that repeats, should not be there. Good pick up Amy!

[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited May 26, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

If it doesn't take too long to get to the spy -- and the hook -- I'll give it a shot. I can't gaurantee how fast I'll get it back to you, though. I have a couple of commitments ahead of you.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 26, 2007).]