Hatrack River Writers Workshop: edit of The Debra Ann Experiece An Introduction

This is topic edit of The Debra Ann Experiece An Introduction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by KellySt (Member # 5505) on :

Introduction to The Debra Ann Experience

My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and I am a young alien student living on the world Acca. Acca is one of many life-bearing worlds of the Senuv Galaxy many trillions of light years from the Milky Way Galaxy where I used to live as a Human on the planet Earth.

The Senuv Galaxy is a spiral galaxy with many blue, yellow, white, and strange but revealed as scientifically true, green suns, and lots of quasars, thus giving the galaxy a green-blue appearance when seen from space. In one
(Thanks for the feedback)

Posted by KellySt (Member # 5505) on :

Do I have a hook here?

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and I am a young alien student living on the world Acca.[I think the hook should be here, but it doesn't quite make it] Acca is one of many life-bearing worlds of the Senuv Galaxy many trillions of light years from the Milky Way Galaxy where I used to live as a Human on the planet Earth.[You started with the alien's PoV, and then switch to 3rd Omniscient. If you wanted to summarize a little about the galaxy, do it BEFORE introducing the protagonist.]
The Senuv Galaxy is a spiral galaxy with many blue, yellow, white, and strange but revealed as scientifically true, green suns, and lots of quasars, thus giving the galaxy a green-blue appearance when seen from space. In one

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

quote:
My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe

Bad name. How do you pronounce that last part? IyIMeeMe? If the character is going to go by Kelly from here on in, alright, but that name is a little too much of a tongue twister to use more than once or twice.

In my opinion, you might want to spend a little time reading YA Sci-fi for awhile, and focus on the language and sentence structure - the real nuts & bolts of the writing, rather than just the story & plot. Technically, this excerpt just isn't there, and there is little chance I'd read beyond these first 13. The idea might be sound, and in your head fully developed, but the process of getting it from your head to the page is a long and difficult journey. Best of luck! Please, submit again and don't take my opinions too harshly.

Jayson Merryfield