Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Neck of the Foot

This is topic Neck of the Foot - SF 1,830 words feedback on 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by marisha511 (Member # 5543) on :

"You must leave now, child." Lombardy said in the ancient Poplar tongue, but Cambium stood rooted. Her gaze did not waver from the sight of her people making their last stand against the gods.
Realizing that they could not defend the entire forest, the ancients centered their defense around the saplings. Lombardy explained that this provided them with a heavy defense line that could be flanked only by sea.
"Our strategy wins us time for your escape, but your hesitation could cost us everything."
His limbs creaked when he lowered them to frame her face with gnarled fingers. The rough bark of his ancient hands left scratches where he traced the path of her tears.

Posted by val*wings (Member # 5538) on :

interesting idea. trees against the gods is what hooked me. I'd read on. i don't think 'in the ancient Poplar tongue' is really necessary--it's pretty obvious that they're trees (and besides, trees don't have tongues...do they?).

[This message has been edited by val*wings (edited June 11, 2007).]

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

I was hooked. The idea of a final stand has always interested me. Along with the idea of sending a few out to continue while the rest sacrifice so that they can escape. I would read more, in fact, would like to if you are looking for readers.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Ok, it took me a couple readings to get that "Poplar tongue" meant tree-language, and Cambrium stood rooted - LITERALLY. Little slow here.

I had a few concerns. They might be irrelevant as the story progresses, but here they are:

- Lombardy explained that this... - plausibility point. Lombardy just said she must leave. Why is he now explaining? He should at least be hurrying/urging/prodding her while he's explaining, no? I think rewording this would help, perhaps just doing away with the "explained" concept. Probably put more into the dialogue.
- You could do away with the "realizing" and use "When they realized that they could not..." It's not a big deal, just an idea.
- This appears to be only 7 lines, which maybe is why there aren't too many comments on it yet? There isn't too much to go on here, though I do think the tension and hook is starting to get established. I needed a whack with the clue-hammer to get the point that these are trees, but that could be just me.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

"You must leave now, child." Lombardy said[. He spoke] in the ancient Poplar tongue, but Cambium stood rooted. [Her<--Cambium? If so, just "Cambium's". Later in the sentence you describe "her" gender.] gaze did not waver from the sight of her people making their last stand against the gods.
[Realizing that they could not defend the entire forest, the ancients centered their defense around the saplings. Lombardy explained that this provided them with a heavy defense line that could be flanked only by sea.<--Violates PoV. I understood this to be from Cambium's PoV. This is 3rd Person Omniscient.]
"Our strategy wins us time for your escape, but your hesitation could cost us everything."
His limbs creaked when he lowered them to frame her face with gnarled fingers.[Why? When he just insisted on her escape -- which he and the others are sacrificing themselves for -- would he coddle her like a child?] The rough bark of his ancient hands left scratches where he traced the path of her tears.

KayTi, there are thirteen lines -- as per filling the box.

First off, I like this idea and how your trying to show the old ent's emotions.

However:
1) Establish a point of view and stick with it.

2) Follow through when you introduce us to urgency. If not, you loose me as a reader. I see that you either aren't skilled enough to, or that you are unreliable. (As a reader, not my personal opinion of you.)

3) Focus less on the infodump -- the second paragraph -- and more on the action. Cambium could notice that the trees are defended from everywhere but the sea. This would be in Pov, and let us know AS it was relevant.