quote:
I was in a bright and hopeful mood the day I set sail onboard the grand colony ship Hyperion, destined for the human settlement in orbit of Tau Ceti. Centuries of Earthbound existence drinking the blood of innocents had led to a feeling of ennui that had persisted for decades. Many of Earth’s brightest, most vibrant individuals has charted a new course, as I was doing, reaching out across the frigid interstellar expanse for a new mother earth to suckle from, letting their roots sink deep into alien soils, sending their children to run in foreign fields with all manner of flora and fauna. My tastes had began to change in those last decades on Earth, becoming desensitized to the taste of dry politicos and boozy debutantes. I yearned for fresh blood and new life, the tangy
As always, your thoughts and feedback are welcome, and I think a few readers would be in order as well, if anyone is interested.
Correction: this story is actually slightly in excess of 5,000 words.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 16, 2007).]
quote:
I was in a bright and hopeful mood the day I set sail onboard the grand colony ship Hyperion, destined for the human settlement in orbit of Tau Ceti. Centuries of Earthbound existence[,] drinking the blood of innocents[,] [Deleted] led to a feeling of ennui that [Deleted] persisted for decades. Many of Earth’s brightest, most vibrant individuals [Deleted] charted a new course, as I [Deleted] [did,] reaching out across the frigid interstellar expanse for a new mother earth to suckle from[need to stop for a mental breath.They let] their roots sink deep into alien soil[s<--don't need and sent] their children to run in foreign fields[. The rest is overkill--> with all manner of flora and fauna]. My tastes [Deleted] began to change in those last decades on Earth[. I became] desensitized to the taste of dry politicos and boozy debutantes. I yearned for fresh blood and new life, the tangy flavor of [creative<--Wierd usage] spirits in full flight[Deleted a comma] and the sharp zest of the intrepid and enterprising.[This sentense takes the long way of saying: "I had a taste for something new."]
Is it Sci-Fi, or Sci-Fi Humor? I could see this being a satirical view of wealth and politics on earth, through a well-traveled vampire.
PS - all of the "deletes" were "have" or "has" (The latter doesn't belong in this tense).
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 16, 2007).]
I was in a bright and hopeful [this seems a little less florid than the rest of the text, but overblown enough that it sets the character] mood the day I set sail onboard the grand colony ship Hyperion, destined for the human settlement in orbit of Tau Ceti. [possibly a bit info-dumpy] Centuries of Earthbound existence drinking the blood of innocents had led to a feeling of ennui that had persisted for decades. Many of Earth’s brightest, most vibrant individuals has charted a new course, as I was doing, reaching out across the frigid interstellar expanse for a new mother earth to suckle from, letting their roots sink deep into alien soils, sending their children to run in foreign fields with all manner of flora and fauna. [This feels like purple prose, but as you've said that its in character, and I'd already got that feeling from what’s come before, then it fits.] My tastes had began to change in those last decades on Earth, becoming desensitized to the taste of dry politicos and boozy debutantes [why? are these the only types of people left on Earth?]. I yearned for fresh blood and new life, the tangy
Hmmm.. don't seem to be able to type in bold. Sorry.
Overall, these are minor quibbles and I would read on. The writing IS florid, but as its in character, I'm fine with that. Definitely a hook here. There are lots of questions raised in these lines, and I'm confident I could trust you to answer these shortly.
quote:
My tastes had began to change in those last decades on Earth, becoming desensitized to the taste of dry politicos and boozy debutantes.
I wanted to point out that that sentence was my fave. It makes me curious about the state of earth, but moreso it suggests the main character is a little jaded, and now he's making himself go in a new direction. It makes me want to know what got him there, and where he's going.
No major quibbles; the few things that piqued my attention have already been pointed out.
Good luck with this one. :)
If anyone is interested in reading it, I'd appreciate comments on the whole piece. All I've got so far is my wife, but she's not the kind of reader I'd normally think would enjoy this piece - she had to put down her Shopaholic to give it a once over.
Jayson Merryfield
On a spaceship, they know exactly how many people are on board, and everybody will have instant communication with everybody else. That's going to be a problem your protagonist has to address. Even in 2007, I wonder how vampires will survive in the age of cellphones. My guess -- willing victims.
And a bit of advice Gene Wolfe gave me. Give us a reason to like your main character.