This is topic The first 13 of a finished quasi-fairy tale "Lord Stitch and his Walking Stick" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
This is the first 13 lines of one of the few short stories I've actually finished. It was written for a lit class final exam, but then I figured I'd put the first 13 up here and see what you all thought. The story is titled "Lord Stitch and his Walking Stick."
Once upon a time…so many stories begin that way: Once upon a time a princess…a king…a fairy godmother. Our story will not begin that way. Indeed, our story (at the point we enter) has already begun, and when we enter, it is close on the heels of Death. Our story must begin, sad to say, with a dead man’s walking stick. If he were not dead, we would not have a story. But he is, so we do, and it is time to tell it.
The walking stick itself is very fine, made of red oak; shod in silver and topped with gold. On the golden knob is graven “To Edward, with gratitude from—.” There is a blank space where the giver’s name ought to be. The tale of that stick, and how those words came to be graven there is the whole point of our little story.
* * *
If anybody wants to read the rest (it's short, about 4,000 words) just let me know and I'll send you the Word Document through e-mail.
[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited June 21, 2007).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I'll check it out.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Okay, I liked it.
Send it to me too. I have a weekend with relatives around which means I'll be looking for an excuse to escape.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I'll take a look.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
Ditto. Send it my way, if you're interested.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I'd be willing to read it if you're interested in another crit.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
Myself, I think the opening is too heavy on the "our little story". I would try to restrict it a bit more in the final half of the 1-13.
It may be just me, but the voice and tone reminded me of Lemony Snicket. If you're sending this to an editor, that might be a demerit. I'm not an editor, though. It is a good voice, but I wonder if it might get tiring if it didn't tone down soon. Too much of this, to me, would be like too much icing on a cake.
I think if you were able to give us a character and setting by the end of the 1-13, I would be more interested in it. I like this enough, barely, to keep reading but I would be hoping for non-passive character-establishing setting-giving stuff very soon.
Posted by sleepn247 (Member # 5312) on :
I would like to read it too.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
It sounds very much like the beginning of Nanny McPhee In fact I read it in the voice of Emma Thompson. That so many wish to read it is a good sign, but I think your story actually begins with "The walking stick . . ."