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My inoculation against jungle fever came in the form of a Colt .45 pressed against my girlfriend's breasts. My father held the gun in a loose grip and asked her to which nipple she'd grown less partial.
Racing to the emergency room, trying to keep her conscious by repeating how much I loved her, would be my last clear memory of our relationship.
Surgeons grafted a piece of skin onto the spot that had been her areola; a tattoo artist came in a few weeks later and drew a nipple on that spot so life-like that it looked as if she never almost lost a liter of blood in the backseat of my car.
I'm more interested in why his father shot her than the details of her medical/cosmetic repair. For me, the opening could be strengthened be grounding me in the initial event, maybe by showing it in a scene rather than recounting it.
With a first paragraph like that, I'm hooked with his father shooting his girlfriend's nipple off. And everything else disconnects me from that.
Is this a Humor piece?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 25, 2007).]
quote:
The first sentence left me saying "Huh?" Maybe a bit more explanation is in order. Don't see the connection to Jungle Fever.
I was trying to show that the father is a racist and the girlfriend is not white without being boring about it.
Edit:
quote:
Is this a Humor piece?
There are humorous elements.
[This message has been edited by Misanthrope (edited June 25, 2007).]
As for the remainder... meh. I'm not drawn. Why would he just shoot one nipple off? I'm pretty sure that's a crime, regardless of the number if nipples shot off. Where was your narrator while this was going on? Why would his father let the two of them leave after he shot her nipple off? Doesn't he figure that his son will turn him in? Or that the doctors will figure out what happened? If he shot her nipple off, I'm imagining that the injury would be significant - likely a good portion of the breast would be missing or torn to shreds. There would be more missing than just a bit of skin. My own personal preference would be to work the father's racism in a little more subtly. Hell, I'm not entirely sure how shooting off a nipple relates to racism. Maybe if he's wearing a bed sheet over his head at the time. Not an effective introduction to that particular element, in my opinion.
Also, I have the feeling that there's a tense issue in the second sentence, but maybe someone more technically minded could answer that for me.
I guess the answer to your story is yes, this is a relatively strong opening. Technically there isn't much wrong to my eye, other than the confusion spread by that first play on words. And story wise, the right reader would be intrigued enough to read on. Alas, not this reader in particular, though.
Jayson Merryfield
Jungle fever afflicts countless teenagers every year. I was vaccinated occurred when my father stuck his .45....
However:
1) The son wouldn't date an African-American without knowing his father would hate it. Prejudice doesn't just suddenly and violently appear. It festers. I can't picture a bigot that wouldn't preach his beliefs throughout the house, every chance he got.
2) If the son is not a bigot, he wouldn't think "jungle fever". That would be something expressed to him, not something he thinks of on his way to the hospital. I should think he'd be filled with hatred for his father -- if he truly cared for his girl -- or would not have taken her to the hospital. In a household that is filled with adamant bigotry, there is no sitting on the fence. You either hate "mud races" or "prejudiced pigs", but you hate.
3) To blow a nipple off, one would have to be trying: he'd have to angle the weapon to do just what he intended.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 25, 2007).]
In fact, the comments you got made me wonder whether the people who comment on first thirteens here don't feel obligated to pick nits, rather than looking at strong points as well as weak points. Certainly, this opening describes a moment of crisis, not, as so many of the openings here, with a scene in which nothing happens.
My only suggestions: 1) make it clear that dad angled the gun so as not to kill. 2) "...if she never almost lost a liter of blood in the backseat of my car." doesn't mean what you intend. "never almost" doesn't work.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited June 26, 2007).]
Some of us pick nits when they're there to pick. I try not to be nit-picky because I'm not the most technical person on here. I'll focus on story elements, word choice, voice, etc. I think the lack of nitpicking on this was due to the huge stumbling block of the first line. That, and the fact that there aren't a whole lot of nits to pick on this - she's a pretty clean bit of prose, generally speaking.
Jayson Merryfield
quote:
My inoculation against jungle fever came in the form of a Colt .45 pressed against my girlfriend's breasts.
When I read this, I thought this fellow was in a jungle with a fever and was woken from a fevered doze by his father coming in and threathening his girlfriend...who, perhaps, was taking care of him? I wanted to know why the father had done this and how they got away from him. I imagined the fevered man driving an old car a long distance through through jungle to get to a hospital, and the girlfriend suffering through the pain, bleeding, and bouncing (of the unpaved road) in the back seat. That sounded cool. Oh, well.
If you send us a re-write that makes the racial bit clear, then I'll tell you if your real story hooks me.
It’s the last line that rattles me. I’m astonished to see the words ‘never’ and ‘almost’ side by side, let alone in the same sentence.
I've almost never seen them together either 
(at least in that order)
Then I realized what you were saying and I immediately disliked it. Not only is it unclear, the MC (and his father) come off as racist jerks.
Of course, if that's what you're going for, then that's OK. Otherwise... if you're going to deal with race then you might need to work on your own ideas of race, etc.
Something about the ordering of these sentences feel off. It gives it a strange, non-linear chronological feel to it.
For example, you say it was the last clear memory of the MC's relationship yet he continues to talk about information that he could know of her only if he continued to have a relationship with her. For example, if she was pissed off and never wanted to see him again (which is quite normal after the trauma of having been shot) then how would MC know that the tattooed nipple looks life-like?