Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Deflation

This is topic Deflation in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Freddy Kovacs raised the shotgun to his wife’s head. Maria’s back was turned, he attention occupied with the potatoes she was chopping for dinner. He had already cocked the chamber. All there was to do was pull the trigger. His breath was steady, almost silent. He steadied himself, ready for the deafening bang.
As his trembling finger pulled the trigger, Freddy’s eyes clamped shut.
A second later, Freddy’s ears were ringing and he was lowering the gun. He opened his eyes, gazed upon the brutal scarlet Rorschach his wife’s head left on the wall. His eyes fell to see the bloodstained Formica counter, the bits of skull and brain that had fallen into the potatoes.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Ewww! And people think mine is gory.

As to a hook - maybe, but there's a cost. The graphic scene will put off so many readers that I think you will need more. The big question, of course, is why? It seems like a twist or just an explanation will come later. It's needed sooner. What part of the story is SciFi or fantasy? That might hook.

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Freddy Kovacs raised the shotgun to his wife’s head. Maria’s back was turned, he her attention occupied with the potatoes she was chopping for dinner. He had already cocked the chamber hammer (but only if the shotgun has an external hammer; otherwise he might pump it to chamber a shell, which also cocks). All there was to do was pull the trigger. His breath was steady, almost silent. If he's already steady, does he need to do it again? Is he sweating? Heart pounding? He steadied braced himself cut: , ready for the deafening bang.
As his trembling finger pulled the trigger, Freddy’s eyes clamped shut.
A second later, Freddy’s ears were ringing and he was lowering the gun. He opened his eyes, and gazed upon the brutal scarlet Rorschach his wife’s head left on the wall. His eyes fell to see the bloodstained Formica counter, and the bits of skull and brain that had fallen into the potatoes.

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In the first paragraph, Freddy seems to be paying more attention to the anticipated noise of the gun than to taking his wife's life. We'll want to know fairly soon how and why he got so cold-blooded about killing her.

The voice changes a little in the last paragraph. The sight you describe could be putting him into shock. 'Gazed' almost fits - perhaps 'stared' would tell more about his mind if he was reacting that way.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I am not hooked.

The classic opening is in medias res--Latin for "in the middle of things." However, here it turned me off because the scene lacks character and emotion. Even if this is a horror story, it needs those, and I saw neither in this snippet.

If you're going for shock value, you have it. The contrast of murder and cutting potatoes is good, but it needs a different frame, I think.

First, I would want to know why this is happening.

Second, with no emotional investment in either character, it means nothing to me again. It's like reading about some strange and brutal news story on CNN. I might think it's awful, but unless I know the people, I move on with my life. I think the same will happen with this opening.

My suggestion is to start earlier. Show us his normal world; show us through subtle actions how much Freddie loves his wife; tell us how they met; give us at least a hint about why this is happening. And then go into this scene (if you must).

[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited July 11, 2007).]

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

I'd have to agree you started this story too late to make this story work.

Violence is not the problem here for me. The problem is that pointing a shotgun at your spouse's head is not done just for kicks and giggles.

There is a back story and I need more than this.

Unless of course this is a "mystery" where the murder happens and then the detective shows up to investigate it.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

quote:
Unless of course this is a "mystery" where the murder happens and then the detective shows up to investigate it.

Good point. Crime Scene shows use that kind of opening all the time. There's always an exception, isn't there?

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Thanks everyone. Interestingly, the SF element kicks in in exactly one sentence. Kovacs' murder of his wife becomes the last action of the space time continuum. Perhaps an allusion to this earlier might help give more context to the significance of what might otherwise be mere brutality.

[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited July 11, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I think you need to get that 14th line into the 13.

What's the POV. If you are full Omni, which seems like a good choice for this, you can just say: The last thing that happened before time restarted was X.

I need something to put the scene in context.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited July 11, 2007).]

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I would also suggest getting that in earlier, first line even. Then, I will know what this scene means.

If you are going omni, you could go with a more distant description, too.

To build on kings_falcon's suggestion:

"The last thing to happened before time restarted was Freddie Kovac's murder of his wife. He put the shotgun to the back of her head while she chopped potatoes, took a deep breath, and pulled the trigger. He stood gazing..."

Then you get into the "first paragraph is free" pool, as well.

Posted by sakubun (Member # 5719) on :

A little pet peeve of mine....

There are only two people, a man and a woman Freddy and Maria.

I don't need to keep reading "Freddy did this" "Freddy did that".

"He" is fine and less distracting to me. It seems more natural.

I could be in the minority.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

No, sakubun, it's not just you.

I agree with what many others have said, especially lehollis. I know it's tough to put everything important in the first thirteen, but if the first line had been something indicating the sci-fi element, I might have been hooked.

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

There's good elements here (given what you've revealed about the "14th" line).

There is too much detail in the gore for me, and that's saying a bit. Probably something like "he looked up to see the top of her head sprayed on the wall and counter top" would be enough (that way the reader can visualize the amount of detail they are comfortable with).

Sounds like you need to get to line 14 faster. Maybe you could reduce the whole murder scene to about three sentences abd get to the sci fi part, or if there is no causality between the murder and the following metaphysics, maybe you could just skip it.