The guns of Fort Sumter were silent now. Private First Class Horatio Collins of the First South Carolina Militia rested his hand on the barrel of a cannon that had been blistering hot at noon. It’s breach was as round as a baby’s behind, its barrel long and tapered. It was cool the touch.
Horatio was talking to his new buddy, Tom Joad. “Yesterday night late, before the Yankees in the fort surrendered, I was standing over there on the Charleston shore, looking this way through a spyglass. I could see this same Yankee cannon I’m standing next to now and could see that pier.” Horatio pointed to the huge granite pier pointing out from the island in the direction of the mainland. “I saw a dark ship, flying no flag, sail up to the pier.
It shows that the battle is quiet now. It conveys the the mood. Good job. Bold.
quote:
The guns of Fort Sumter were silent now. Private First Class Horatio Collins of the First South Carolina Militia rested his hand on the barrel of a cannon that had been blistering hot at noon. It’s breach was as round as a baby’s behind, its barrel long and tapered. It was cool the touch.
"Private First Class Horatio Collins of the First South Carolina Militia..." Wow, that's a long name. I wonder if we need to know the last part of that (First South Carolina Militia) right now? It gives it an authentic feel, but it also feels heavy to me.
I'm not sure the significance of knowing the cannon is round and its barrel long and tapered. I do see the significance of knowing its now cool to the touch.
quote:
Horatio was talking to his new buddy, Tom Joad. “Yesterday night late, before the Yankees in the fort surrendered, I was standing over there on the Charleston shore, looking this way through a spyglass. I could see this same Yankee cannon I’m standing next to now and could see that pier.” Horatio pointed to the huge granite pier pointing out from the island in the direction of the mainland. “I saw a dark ship, flying no flag, sail up to the pier.
"Horatio was talking to his new buddy, Tom Joad." I wonder if this is necessary? Maybe other clues let us know that Horatio is talking to Tom Joad. I think you could start this off with the dialogue and a said tag, myself.
A dark ship flying no flag doesn't really hook me. Maybe it feels overused--maybe I've seen a few dark, flagless ships in stories. Is there anything else about the ship that might interest us?
Thanks for the added info, this thirteen is much more clear to me. It’s breach = its breach.
as a matter of fact, I don't think I know how to pluralize dufus, either.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 21, 2007).]
, as per usual
My take:
quote:
The guns of Fort Sumter were silent now. Private First Class Horatio Collins of the First South Carolina Militia rested his hand on the barrel of a cannon [that had been blistering hot at noon.<--Backtracking] [It’s<--Deb caught this typo.] breach was as round as a baby’s behind, its barrel long and tapered.[<--Describing a cannon is unnecessary.] It was cool the touch.[<--Redundant, especially after you said it "had been hot" earlier. Even without the earlier comment, I wouldn't assume anyone would rest his hand on a hot barrel. However, THAT would raise questions.]
Horatio was talking to his new buddy, [If you went through the entire shpiel with Horatio, I want a rank -- at the very least for-->]Tom Joad. “Yesterday night[,] late, before the Yankees in the fort surrendered, I was standing over there on the Charleston shore[deleted] looking this way through a spyglass. I could see this same Yankee cannon [I’m standing next to now<--Telling the reader more than Tom. In a conversation, he'd probably tap it, or some such.] and could see that pier[What pier? Why is he mentioning it with the cannon, is it important? The use of said pier in the next two sentences makes it a bit redundant, when it's the ship that you're really talking about.].” Horatio pointed to the huge granite pier pointing out from the island in the direction of the mainland. “I saw a dark ship, flying no flag, sail up to the pier.
It's interesting. I wonder how far into the story we'd be with some redundancy-trimming?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 21, 2007).]
The story goes out to F&SF tomorrow.
Best,
Rick
Then I tore open the big brown envelope addressed in my own handwriting. Gordon Van Gelder said, "I'm afraid this vampire story didn't grab me, alas."
I spent the day thinking -- ok, it's nothing but rejections from here on out. Just write for the pleasure of it. But that doesn't do any good. I need to figure out how to write better!
Meanwhile, I'm sending the vampire story off to Realms of Fantasy and the political satire to Gordon at F&SF.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 09, 2007).]
You do know about InterGalactic Medicine Show, right?
And, yes, I have a story at Intergalactic Medicine Show even as we speak, called "Luck". Analog asked for a rewrite, then passed. It made the short list at Baen's Universe, but they passed. Now I eagerly await a response from the Medicine Show. If you know somebody who knows somebody, you might put in a good word for me.
But I do wish you well.