Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Paradise

This is topic Paradise in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002642

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Sci-fi/fantasy, slipstream, with a touch of erotica.

PARADISE

It’s been six years since I discovered Paradise.

Winter rain and Martian air don’t mix too well. All the poisons are brought to the fore, tasting cold and harsh in the mouth. Sky-lilacs twirled in loose braids everywhere I walked, carried on wisps of low-lying cloud. Vegetation for aeration—that’s the slogan, right? Well, I hear Earth’s different. There it’s so polluted they have to burn the gases right out of the air. We haven’t got that way yet, but there’s certainly more flowers. The pink things got me all snarled up. Coils cuddled me like nuisance lovers invited to bed one too many times.

Coat collar up to my cheekbones, I moved fast: if only to keep warm. After all, what did I have to run for?

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 28, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited July 30, 2007).]

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Welcome to Hatrack. I see you've brought several stories for us. Read that: Aaah, fresh meat!

This is a bit big for the first 13 lines. In MS word with 12pt Courier and 1 inch margins, 13 lines end at about 'so I just did what I had to.' I didn't count the title nor the # break.

I see a lot of symbolic images - flowers being nuisance lovers and all, but those images aren't very active. The complaint about polluted Earth registers, but I have to say it doesn't hook. I even dismiss it since your setting is on Mars.

"This was before her ..." alludes to a story being told. I'd like to get enough of that story on the first manuscript page to become interested in it.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

There are a lot of nice images here, but no action. There is nothing moving the story forward, and therefore nothing to hook the reader. I think you need to start the story when something happens.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

I agree with previous comments. This is Mars, I don't care about conditions on earth and the reference seems like a detour that is not only not needed, but distracts attention from the story and setting. I'm also wondering about the relatively large amount of space devoted to flowers - my guess is that this would be better included further on in the body of the story.

What did catch my attenition was your last two lines - got me curious and I wanted to read more - in other words, the last two lines are moving us forward and serve, at least to some extent, as a hook. Why not start with those lines and go from there.

"Coils cuddled me..." Coils of what? Tendrils? This image is a hard one to swallow - when I think of someone being coiled by something, I sure don't think of it as being "cuddled." It's a contradiction. Why not make them more dangerous rather than merely a nuisance?

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 28, 2007).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

On the other hand, an interesting setting can be a hook in its own rite - (right?) I get the picture of a well developed and complex world, something that always makes me want to read more. And you had some nice turns of phrase in there that promise the writing will be smart and colorful. I would read more.

Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :

I have to agree with debhoag; for me, a good piece of setting can just as easily entice me to read further. In fact, sometimes I prefer a little mood setter to orient me and let me know what I'm in for before the hook is in my mouth.

The setting is interesting and described in such a way that I would read on out of curiosity and eagerness to know more. Your conventional hook is right there, too - what doesn't she have to run for? An interested reader is a reading reader.

I can't really find anything to nitpick about this. Good job.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Though I agrees with others that the aside about Earth seems distracting...I would read on, at least a few more lines.

An interesting intro without a hint of the plot CAN work. But you can't go on too long before you lose me.

I do like your opening statement about Martian air. Good opening. That's a hook all in itself.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Thanks everyone. Anyone who wanted to see the longer story: I will email it to you now. It's only 1200 words or so.

Basically, the story doesn't begin with the plot because this is *not* a plot-driven story. Although there is a nice twist (I think) that comes later on. This is an erotic spc fic/slipstream story, largely driven by description and ideas than by plot. The story is also written for a specific publication with that in mind, as that is what they are looking for. My main hope was that the opening sentence about discovering Paradise and the description itself would guide the reader to read more. Also, since it is a comparitively short story, I would venture that many people would read to the end anyway.

Due to some comments on EditRed, I have considered shifting some parts of the story around, but this is just a first draft so far. I very much wanted to contrast the opening exposition with the titular 'Paradise' and the 'Paradise' that is discovered later on. This builds the necessary dramatic tension and fulfilment at the novel's climax.

Thanks for all your comments so far, guys ;-)

Adam
xxx