Hatrack River Writers Workshop: dark fantasy reworked opening

This is topic dark fantasy reworked opening in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002662

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. Its breath was cold tonight, but that wasn't what made Cory pace the beach so restlessly. He kept his eyes on the promontory where the Duke's castle was building. No walls showed yet. The dungeon lay hidden in the heart of the rock yet open to the sky. Above it eldritch blue lights flickered. For two months the sight of those ghostly lights, calling evil to them, had chilled the soul of every villager. Tonight was different. Tonight Cory felt them, like his own heartbeat.

From one of the beach fires Ashurbaal, the leader of the foreign swordsmen, called him over. Reluctantly, Cory squatted down at the foreigner's side and accepted a wooden mug of beer. He sucked the brew through clenched teeth to strain the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2007).]

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

quote:
Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. Its breath was cold tonight, but that wasn't what made Cory pace the beach so restlessly. He kept his eyes on the promontory where the Duke's castle was building. No walls showed yet.

You've got me into a seaside setting with some apparent cliff sides, but the description of the castle is weird. My first instinct was to interpret "castle was building" as "was being built," but the "no walls showed yet" seems to indicate something else. Is it building itself?

Then I thought that maybe it was appearing over the horizon as they got closer--but Cory isn't approaching anything--he's pacing.

quote:
The dungeon lay hidden in the heart of the rock yet open to the sky. Above it eldritch blue lights flickered. For two months the sight of those ghostly lights, calling evil to them, had chilled the soul of every villager. Tonight was different. Tonight Cory felt them, like his own heartbeat.

Interesting imagery, but I don't have a clear idea where this dungeon is in relation to Cory. Is it in the distance by the building castle, or is it nearby?

I'm somewhat intrigued by the bluish ghostly lights, but the hook isn't strong, yet. Some conflict might help, or some hint of what the blue lights might do? Maybe you should start with the scene where he chops through the sea rover's spear?

I hope that's helpful.

ciao,
Mark

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

The first sentence read a little awkwardly for me, I'd probably begin with a mention of the dungeon as that's the main hook here.

He kept his eyes on the promontory where the Duke's castle was building. - What, a castle is building itself? Or are there builder's and artisans up there?

No walls showed yet. - So what does show? When I imagine a castle in construction I imagine half completed walls, towers, cranes...what should I be imagining here?

For two months the sight of those ghostly lights, calling evil to them - how do lights call evil? I think you might be relying on the reader to fill in too many gaps here.

Tonight Cory felt them, like his own heartbeat. - They are calling Cory? So Cory is evil?

He sucked the brew through clenched teeth to strain the floating chaff. - that is some image. I think I like it

I do think you have a hook here - dungeons and evil lights are always interesting, though I think you need to fill in some of the gaps fairly quickly to hold the interest.

[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited August 09, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Everything a reader can misunderstand he will misunderstand, witness the castle doing the building and lights calling out "evil! evil!" Also, I don't think you can get away with "eldritch" these days. I suggest being more direct. "Cory was as restless as the sea."

I liked "Sucking the beer through clinched teeth."

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Okay. Sigh. How about this?

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. Its breath was cold tonight, but that wasn't what made Cory pace the beach so restlessly. His eyes kept turning to the promontory where the Duke's castle would one day stand. No walls showed aboveground yet. The half-finished dungeon lay hidden in the heart of the rock yet open to the sky. Above its passages and cells eldritch blue lights flickered. For two months the sight of those ghostly lights, calling evil to them, had chilled the soul of every villager. Tonight was different. Tonight Cory felt them, like his own heartbeat.

From one of the beach fires Ashurbaal, the leader of the foreign swordsmen, called him over. Reluctantly, Cory squatted down at the foreigner's side and accepted a wooden mug of beer.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2007).]

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

That reads with a lot more clarity, and I'm still intrigued by the evil blue lights. I'd probably read a little further, but I'm looking for something stronger to lure me in.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Ya learn something new every day. This had me running off to look up 'eldritch' which I think works here just fine if the reader knows the word.

Very good change from the self-building castle

I get from the way Cory feels the lights that he's evil and being called. If that's what you mean, great.

I like the image of the mug of beer with crud floating in it. It helps set the time and circumstances, as do the mention of swordsmen, sword and spear. I expect to find out what a sea rover is and why there are foreign swordsmen about - and find out soon.

The pull on Cory by the lights is the only thing that hooks me, but it hooks me enough to read the rest if that's what you're looking for.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I weigh in in favor of eldritch, and wonder if you could use the phrase the blue lights "were a beacon" for evil?

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Even though the words you choose "calling evil...chilled the soul..." etc scream of a cliche situation, which turns me off on the front page, I have to say I like the imagery you give me of this cold night by the sea. I like that, I can feel it. So you're doing something right!

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 09, 2007).]

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

Your revision worked, and I liked it alot. You have some good stuff going on here. My only problem was that I couldn't get an image of where the foreign swordsmen were. At first I saw the MC alone on the beach, then, suddenly some swordsmen appear. Perhaps if you have him "pacing along the water's edge, on the outskirts of the camp" . . . or something like that.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I like it. The only thing that bugs me in the least is How many lights are there?. But, I would read on to find out.